Looking back.

If I am honest, I will admit to not having done much writing on my book. Initially I was very excited and got stuck in. Now, however it's fizzled down to nothing.
With Rob away it seems that there is just so much time, especially after the kids have gone to bed. So for the first time (in a while) I picked up a book and a pen and I started writing.
The writing begins as fiction and then moves swiftly into my memories. Due to a trauma as a child, most of my childhood memories are gone. A psychological safety net if you will. The "amnesia" keeps the subject (i.e Me) from developing serious psycological breakdown.
The problem is however that once the subject starts to remember the trauma, the cause is discovered, technically these are known as repressed memories, no other memories resurface.
So what I remember of my childhood has been the memories of others and photos provide a setting and backdrop to what sort of happened. This is great, yes, BUT the memories are the perceptions of someone else.
Trying to remember, what my life in high school was like was much easier.
I just want everyone to know that being invisible in high school is really easy.
It's sad really because I tried to stay that way. There was a time when I did not wish to be invisible and I did not feel invisible because I believed there was a group I fitted into, alas no, a very candid discussion with those involved reassured me that I did not belong.
I wish I could say that my first broken heart was the result of a careless, selfish teenage boy, but no that honour belongs to a couple of girls.
Thinking back it wasjust another painful event I buried deep inside, another event that has shaped who I am today.
I guess I am just writing for the sake of it now but I also feel I must share that only time after that, that I had a broken heart was when we lost Jonathan.
I know this has been about my pain, (hopefully without pity - that's not why I share it) but was it the pain or was it overcoming the pain that makes me who I am today?

In love and light (and deep contemplation)
Tracey