I know it's been a while since I've written anything but there is something I feel the need to share.
On Sunday evening (2 November 2014) or Monday morning (3 November 2014) my darling mother passed away. Living 11,000 miles away from my family I felt it only right to travel home. I had not been in South Africa since 2011 and have not lived there since 2007. Although my parents managed to visit me last year, my mom was very poorly and in my heart I knew that I would not see her alive again. My mother was a marvellous woman who worked hard everyday of her life and suffered severely because she spent all her time and effort looking after everyone else. My mother never drank and was always a lady. My mother sacrificed everything for her kids including her health, but my mother also loved her mom, dad and sisters (those who are passed on Beryl, Ray Avis and Sandy who's still alive).
I must admit that I found my mother's loyalty to her sisters strange, that is until I moved away from my siblings. I had always been close to my younger brother, but circumstances change and for a long time we have not been close. My older brother is a strange one, happy to help out wherever possible (except emotionally) but I refuse to ask him for help because I was unable to help him when he needed me most. My sister on the other hand is the kind of woman who also sacrifices everything for her family and through many tough times has always been there for everyone in any way she can (except financially).
Spending this last few days with my siblings has taught me one thing, my brothers and sister are the best friends I will ever have. There is nothing so bad or distance so far that will ever change that. Do we fight? Sure. Have we always been close? No. Are we going to remain close? Who Knows. BUT we are united by one of the most sincere emotions - GRIEF!
Today I publicly declare that I love and will miss my mom (and dad who thank God remains healthy and well at 78 years), her death however has brought home to me just how important my siblings are. Gavin, Lolly and Ryan are my best friends and we share the blood of great woman.
Thank you Mommy for not only giving me a great life, making sure I did not go without. Thank you for teaching me the importance of independence and earning my own living by working hard. Thank you for never being manipulative or playing us off against each other, but thank you most of all for bringing me my best friends.
I love you guys and miss you all already. Be safe!
In love and light Tracey
(Although this message focuss' on siblings, I must mention that my mother loved her nieces and nephews just much as her sisters, just as I love my nieces as much as my siblings. Let's face it BLOOD IS BLOOD!!.)
Monday, 10 November 2014
Tuesday, 18 February 2014
Daily affirmations - why we need them
It's repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. & once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen. -Muhammad Ali
Hello, those who know me, know that I am a firm believer in being able to manifest your desires. Those of you who know me better that I am great at starting things but really shit at actually completing them and that is why I am the first to tell you that I am not a failure at anything, I am a quitter. I am so afraid of failing that I will deliberately not finish anything, and then I see this quote and I love quote Muhammad Ali, all his quotes for me are about putting in the effort.
I am great at affirmations, occasionally, when I need them, and therein lies the problem. Belief comes from the repetition of affirmations on days when you don't need them as well as days when you do.
I am not sure if I mentioned my vision board. Anyway I made a mission board last year, my most common mantra is "happy, healthy, wealthy, loved" On my vision board where things like
"I enjoy living in my own home."
"I love going on fabulous holidays"
"I am happy healthy wealthy loved." Everyday these phrases hung on my door and scattered around each phrase was a picture, not of the holiday, not of a dream home, but pictures of my loved ones. A photo at my wedding that had my mom and dad in it, pictures that Lolly sent me of her with Jaime, Jordy and Nash. Pictures of my darling children in smiling happy poses and with very limited financial resources, barely a year later, we have bought a four bedroom duplex flat in a really nice village, and we are heading out in less than 2 months to Disney World Florida for 2 whole weeks. I am happy, I am healthy, I am loved and YES with limited financial resources I am wealthy.
I am wealthy because wealth doesn't come with the things money can buy, true wealth comes from the things that money can't buy.
Like having home where we are safe and warm (whether we own it or not)
Like true friends who are there for you no matter what, people you don't have to talk to for ages and ages and then start a conversation exactly where you left off months or even years ago.
Like love, the love of a good man, not just a husband and provider, but my best friend and the best father any kids could wish for. The love of my children, two gorgeous, intelligent and talented children.
Like family, we will never know where we would end up without the people who have helped define us over the years. Mother, Father, Sister, Brothers, each one of them adding value and helping to create who we are.
So do affirmations really work, I am still going to say yes, yes yes! And if nothing else when you wake up feeling lousy, look in the mirror and smile, because at least you have your eyes to see, your ears to hear and your arms to wrap around those you love, and just in case anyone reading this doesn't have those things, at least you have another day to fight on.
So I ask myself how much of a quitter can I really be when like the rest of you I get up, get dressed and face another day, and another day and another?
Perhaps it just boils down to living my life, day to day, doing the very best I can for the people I love and maybe I will finally quit wondering what's wrong with me and I will quit worrying about the things I can't control.
In love and light
Tracey
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
Our first "big" break.
Let me tell you about the last 24 hours and a bit...
Monday, enough already I hear you say but it gets better. A normal day by any accounts until about 3.45pm when I collect Kiki and Shiny from school. Kiki gets into the car and shows me his right index finger, it's blue and very swollen, I say "ouch, how'd that happen?" He proceeds to tell me that during PE in the last hour of the day, a netball bounced onto his finger. I say "Okay is it sore?" He says "no". So I start driving home, I look down to change gear and his hand is sitting on his lap, I say "S$%t, that doesn't look right!" So I turn the car around and head back into Petersfield because they have a minor injuries department at the hospital.
We arrive at the hospital and they have a triage system going, so we fill in the form and see a nurse, she draws a picture, takes all the info and straps his finger up giving me a form that I need to take to a doctor next door for an x-ray referral. No problem so we wait, we get the form and head back into the hospital to the radiography department. It's closed about 4.30pm.
Kiki is still not in any pain so we'll come back tomorrow.
Tuesday, the ice on the car is about as thick as a pound coin, so the day starts with me putting in some major PT as I try to scrape the ice off the windscreen and side windows, then an uneventful drive to drop Shiny at school and on to the hospital, we get there at 8.37am (I have the car park ticket to prove it). Radiography doesn't open till 9am so we wait, eventually Kiki is taken in and x-rayed and we wait.
Did you know that x-rays are digital (how modern), we head back to minor injuries and we wait to see the doctor. He's a pretty cool bloke, tattoo, earing, he says "Hey mom, take a look at this." Clearly I am looking at Kiki's hand, looks OK to me, and then he clicks over to an image of the finger and it's broken. Damn!!! A teeny tiny break in the middle bone of finger just above the joint.
Our first broken bone!
In love and light ( and plaster and a sling:) )
Monday, enough already I hear you say but it gets better. A normal day by any accounts until about 3.45pm when I collect Kiki and Shiny from school. Kiki gets into the car and shows me his right index finger, it's blue and very swollen, I say "ouch, how'd that happen?" He proceeds to tell me that during PE in the last hour of the day, a netball bounced onto his finger. I say "Okay is it sore?" He says "no". So I start driving home, I look down to change gear and his hand is sitting on his lap, I say "S$%t, that doesn't look right!" So I turn the car around and head back into Petersfield because they have a minor injuries department at the hospital.
We arrive at the hospital and they have a triage system going, so we fill in the form and see a nurse, she draws a picture, takes all the info and straps his finger up giving me a form that I need to take to a doctor next door for an x-ray referral. No problem so we wait, we get the form and head back into the hospital to the radiography department. It's closed about 4.30pm.
Kiki is still not in any pain so we'll come back tomorrow.
Tuesday, the ice on the car is about as thick as a pound coin, so the day starts with me putting in some major PT as I try to scrape the ice off the windscreen and side windows, then an uneventful drive to drop Shiny at school and on to the hospital, we get there at 8.37am (I have the car park ticket to prove it). Radiography doesn't open till 9am so we wait, eventually Kiki is taken in and x-rayed and we wait.
Did you know that x-rays are digital (how modern), we head back to minor injuries and we wait to see the doctor. He's a pretty cool bloke, tattoo, earing, he says "Hey mom, take a look at this." Clearly I am looking at Kiki's hand, looks OK to me, and then he clicks over to an image of the finger and it's broken. Damn!!! A teeny tiny break in the middle bone of finger just above the joint.
Our first broken bone!
In love and light ( and plaster and a sling:) )
Sunday, 12 January 2014
What's really important?
I often feel like there is so much crap sitting on my shoulders and it gets harder and harder to shrug off. All the self-help stuff I am addicted to says "let go of the past" for some of us it is much easier said than done.
I have gotten better at releasing the day to day stuff that annoys me, like the moron who cut me off in the traffic, but please don't tell me I am the only one who seethes for hours afterwards!
Surely who we are is a blend of the things that make up our past. We all have good things and bad things that have happened which have defined us, but why does it seem that the bad stuff which happened defined us more?
For days now I have been smelling cigarette smoke and not whiffs but full on puffs of smoke, I always associate the smell of cigarette smoke with my Aunties. Especially Aunty A. So I keep wondering what she is trying to tell me? I haven't had any intuition of what it is she wants me to do.
I'll tell you a little story...
One year, Bee drove Avis, my mom and I down to Durban from Johannesburg. I think it was for uncle Alf's funeral. Not a holiday, but they all smoked. So I sat in the back complaining about the smoke, not because they smoked, but because they never smoked at the same time, there was not a minute in the whole 8 hour drive down to the coast that I was not breathing in second-hand smoke! Jesus how that irked me! For years it bothered me, I moaned and complained about every opportunity I got but thinking about it now I am filled with longing and nostalgia for the women they were, Aunty Bee and Aunty A always full of love, caring and warm, my mom quick to laugh, vibrant and loving.
I spoke to my mom today and she is doing well, considering she is on oxygen 24 hours a day. I miss her very much.
However there is a part of me that would kill for another 8 hours with them, all together taking much joy out of my misery!
So really, honestly what is REALLY important??
In love and light.
I have gotten better at releasing the day to day stuff that annoys me, like the moron who cut me off in the traffic, but please don't tell me I am the only one who seethes for hours afterwards!
Surely who we are is a blend of the things that make up our past. We all have good things and bad things that have happened which have defined us, but why does it seem that the bad stuff which happened defined us more?
For days now I have been smelling cigarette smoke and not whiffs but full on puffs of smoke, I always associate the smell of cigarette smoke with my Aunties. Especially Aunty A. So I keep wondering what she is trying to tell me? I haven't had any intuition of what it is she wants me to do.
I'll tell you a little story...
One year, Bee drove Avis, my mom and I down to Durban from Johannesburg. I think it was for uncle Alf's funeral. Not a holiday, but they all smoked. So I sat in the back complaining about the smoke, not because they smoked, but because they never smoked at the same time, there was not a minute in the whole 8 hour drive down to the coast that I was not breathing in second-hand smoke! Jesus how that irked me! For years it bothered me, I moaned and complained about every opportunity I got but thinking about it now I am filled with longing and nostalgia for the women they were, Aunty Bee and Aunty A always full of love, caring and warm, my mom quick to laugh, vibrant and loving.
I spoke to my mom today and she is doing well, considering she is on oxygen 24 hours a day. I miss her very much.
However there is a part of me that would kill for another 8 hours with them, all together taking much joy out of my misery!
So really, honestly what is REALLY important??
In love and light.
Tuesday, 24 December 2013
The Year that was.
Well hello everyone, I know it's been a while since I posted anything but it has been a busy year and I still can't believe it is already Christmas Eve!
The Brown's as most of you know have had a very busy year. In summary.
In February Beryl lost a husband, Bex and Ben lost a dad and Paul lost a step-dad ( I am not including Rob in this as he was not as close to Howard as Paulie was). Howard was such a lovely man and we were instantly welcomed into his heart and home when we arrived in the UK. My children lost their oupa and although we don't talk about it very much I know Kieran and Cheyenne will be missing Howard this Christmas, perhaps not as much as Beryl, Bex, Ben and Paul but he is and will be very missed.
This year Beryl, AKA Granny has moved in with us and we have finally managed to buy a property, we have moved out of the house in Moggs Mead which when you consider that Shiny is now 9 and we moved in just after she turned 3, represents a third of her life (so far), our flat affectionately known as "our tardis" is in Liphook and it has taken us all a fair amount of time to get used too.
Moving in was particularly emotional especially when almost the entire contents of Granny's house arrived in three wooden crates. I cried for her loss and was glad she had taken an extended holiday to visit friends in Botswana, so she didn't have to witness her entire life with Howard stuffed into the garage. My hat is off to her for coping so well, I doubt many would have the courage to be THAT STRONG.
This year my Mommy and Daddy arrived in Southampton on the Queen Mary 2 a sixteen day voyage that saw my Mommy get more and more poorly. With full intentions of staying until September Mommy put on a very brave face but eventually it was decided it was better for Dad to take her home and they left me in July a full 6 weeks earlier than they had planned. Mommy was hospitalised straight away and has gradually been feeling better and better. Jaime told me on Saturday that Mommy had been sitting outside in the shade enjoying the company of family and friends at Chantelle's 21st birthday party. Chatting to her on Monday morning she sounded very chipper and looking forward to having the family over for Christmas.
The rest of the year has been filled with work and school and not much of anything else. Kiki and Shiny continue to do well at school and Shiny is working hard towards passing her Modern Grade 1 Exam and her Ballet Grade 1 exam too! Rob and Kiki achieved their brown belts in Karate this year and have only three or four gradings left before getting to black belt. Something to work towards next year boys!
Looking forward to next year the Brown's are visiting Disney World in Florida in April (YEA!!!) and Paul and Sophie are tying the knot in July, so looking forward to seeing Ian and all of our South African friends who will be flying in for the occasion. (Douglas you better be bringing my mate because I need a Tequilla shooting partner).
I would not be a true South African if I did not mention the loss earlier this month of Madiba, a true hero in every sense of the word, a man who sacrificed much of his life for the benefit of ALL South Africans. May his memory be honoured by South Africa fulfilling HIS dream for society free of fear and corruption, where every man, woman and child regardless of colour is treated with respect and a right to live happily in peace.
May I take this opportunity to wish all family and friends a very merry, blessed and SAFE Christmas.
May 2014 fulfil all your dreams. To all those who have lost a loved one this year I wish you peace and strength during this time of the year, when those gone are missed so much more.
In love and light
Tracey
The Brown's as most of you know have had a very busy year. In summary.
In February Beryl lost a husband, Bex and Ben lost a dad and Paul lost a step-dad ( I am not including Rob in this as he was not as close to Howard as Paulie was). Howard was such a lovely man and we were instantly welcomed into his heart and home when we arrived in the UK. My children lost their oupa and although we don't talk about it very much I know Kieran and Cheyenne will be missing Howard this Christmas, perhaps not as much as Beryl, Bex, Ben and Paul but he is and will be very missed.
This year Beryl, AKA Granny has moved in with us and we have finally managed to buy a property, we have moved out of the house in Moggs Mead which when you consider that Shiny is now 9 and we moved in just after she turned 3, represents a third of her life (so far), our flat affectionately known as "our tardis" is in Liphook and it has taken us all a fair amount of time to get used too.
Moving in was particularly emotional especially when almost the entire contents of Granny's house arrived in three wooden crates. I cried for her loss and was glad she had taken an extended holiday to visit friends in Botswana, so she didn't have to witness her entire life with Howard stuffed into the garage. My hat is off to her for coping so well, I doubt many would have the courage to be THAT STRONG.
This year my Mommy and Daddy arrived in Southampton on the Queen Mary 2 a sixteen day voyage that saw my Mommy get more and more poorly. With full intentions of staying until September Mommy put on a very brave face but eventually it was decided it was better for Dad to take her home and they left me in July a full 6 weeks earlier than they had planned. Mommy was hospitalised straight away and has gradually been feeling better and better. Jaime told me on Saturday that Mommy had been sitting outside in the shade enjoying the company of family and friends at Chantelle's 21st birthday party. Chatting to her on Monday morning she sounded very chipper and looking forward to having the family over for Christmas.
The rest of the year has been filled with work and school and not much of anything else. Kiki and Shiny continue to do well at school and Shiny is working hard towards passing her Modern Grade 1 Exam and her Ballet Grade 1 exam too! Rob and Kiki achieved their brown belts in Karate this year and have only three or four gradings left before getting to black belt. Something to work towards next year boys!
Looking forward to next year the Brown's are visiting Disney World in Florida in April (YEA!!!) and Paul and Sophie are tying the knot in July, so looking forward to seeing Ian and all of our South African friends who will be flying in for the occasion. (Douglas you better be bringing my mate because I need a Tequilla shooting partner).
I would not be a true South African if I did not mention the loss earlier this month of Madiba, a true hero in every sense of the word, a man who sacrificed much of his life for the benefit of ALL South Africans. May his memory be honoured by South Africa fulfilling HIS dream for society free of fear and corruption, where every man, woman and child regardless of colour is treated with respect and a right to live happily in peace.
May I take this opportunity to wish all family and friends a very merry, blessed and SAFE Christmas.
May 2014 fulfil all your dreams. To all those who have lost a loved one this year I wish you peace and strength during this time of the year, when those gone are missed so much more.
In love and light
Tracey
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Welcome to 2013. EPIC!
Good Morning?
Yes it's question, or at least it should be. We have been given the opportunity to choose. So every day we should wake up smile and say Good morning. I know this, you know this and yet how often do I wake and think "oh no!"?
On a different note I saw this quote on Twitter Zen Essentials@ZenEssentials
Yes it's question, or at least it should be. We have been given the opportunity to choose. So every day we should wake up smile and say Good morning. I know this, you know this and yet how often do I wake and think "oh no!"?
On a different note I saw this quote on Twitter Zen Essentials
"We may idealize freedom, but when it comes to our habits, we are completely enslaved." ~ Sogyal Rinpoche. I got onto the bathroom scale yesterday, it has been a while and so I can tell you that this quote is absolutely true. So as much as I would like to make the resolution of losing weight, I know the real resolution should be to change my habits, when it comes to food, I have never (or very seldom ) shown any control.
So on the 3rd day of this marvellous new year I am resolving not to diet, but to break the habits that cause my weight to go up. But, perhaps more importantly, I am resolving to make each and every morning of 2013, not just a good morning but a Great Day!
I have a colleague at work, she has the most amazingly dry sense of humour which is based almost totally on sarcasm, I love it, a few don't get it but the best part of any day is seeing her and saying "how are you?" She ALWAYS and I ALWAYS comes out with something that makes me laugh, "Cosmic!" " Epic!" Listening to how she feels each day inevitably makes my day either Cosmic or Epic and there have been others but I am also going to stop answering "fine" when someone asks how I am. From today I am "Cosmic" "Epic" "Fantastic" "Awesome" and perhaps I will look up a few others in the dictionary, just to keep it "fresh".
In love and light, enjoy an absolutely Awesomely Epic day!!
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Think it and change it!
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world." ~Buddha.
I saw this quote and you know it's the 3rd time in as many days that I have seen something similar, said something similar and shared something similar. I'm guessing the Universe is trying to tell me something.
A couple of nights ago I re-read the first part of The Master Key System by Charles Haanel, this part basically tell you that your external world is a reflection of your inner world. Since my vision board is being used to focus our thoughts, my home environment is pretty good. A good start. In the mornings I work in a warehouse and usually suffer from some sort of verbal diarrhoea, anyway the chap I work with listens and I share what I am learning. So it was mentioned again today and then this evening I see the above quote.
After re-finding The Secret, I have spent a lot of time checking the facts, the Emerald Tablet, says "as above so below, as within so without." or something like that, and I am not in the mood to dig through my notes, but anyway this is how I remember it.
So today I ask that you consider your external world and see what is not right, what is not as you would want it to be and then do yourself a favour and change your thinking. Change the perspective from which you are viewing the discord. If it is something you can change, then do it in the most positive manner you can, if you can't change it then change your thinking about it, see it from another point of view, smother it in love and gratitude and move away from it. Rather move toward something else. Get mentally active to generate the external change you want.
In love and light
Tracey
I saw this quote and you know it's the 3rd time in as many days that I have seen something similar, said something similar and shared something similar. I'm guessing the Universe is trying to tell me something.
A couple of nights ago I re-read the first part of The Master Key System by Charles Haanel, this part basically tell you that your external world is a reflection of your inner world. Since my vision board is being used to focus our thoughts, my home environment is pretty good. A good start. In the mornings I work in a warehouse and usually suffer from some sort of verbal diarrhoea, anyway the chap I work with listens and I share what I am learning. So it was mentioned again today and then this evening I see the above quote.
After re-finding The Secret, I have spent a lot of time checking the facts, the Emerald Tablet, says "as above so below, as within so without." or something like that, and I am not in the mood to dig through my notes, but anyway this is how I remember it.
So today I ask that you consider your external world and see what is not right, what is not as you would want it to be and then do yourself a favour and change your thinking. Change the perspective from which you are viewing the discord. If it is something you can change, then do it in the most positive manner you can, if you can't change it then change your thinking about it, see it from another point of view, smother it in love and gratitude and move away from it. Rather move toward something else. Get mentally active to generate the external change you want.
In love and light
Tracey
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