I know it's been a while...

This last week has seen me pick up a pen for the first time in ages. I always thought it was easier to write when I was not "in a happy place", this is definitely not true. Since that awful Sunday night in early November when I learned that my mom had passed away it has been extremely difficult to put thoughts and my feelings of loss into writing. Of course this was compounded exponentially when a short seven months later my Dad decided a world without my mom to care for was just not worth living.

Last week and this week I have been fortunate enough to be on school holidays while recuperating from an operation. My amazing husband has endeavored to keep the house tidy, entertain the children and keep us fed. He has done a superb job and in a need to escape from "cabin fever" I have joined my family on not one but two trips to the beach. A last minute decision saw me grab my notebook and pen. I would like to share those entries with you.

August 12, 2015
I've not written much lately but then again it's been tough. November saw the loss of my mom after being so ill for so long. Having said that she'd managed to keep going and so inevitably we became complacent thinking she would just continue to keep going on and going on. Then we all completely underestimated how much losing mom affected dad. It was hard so very hard for us to comprehend exactly how much he loved her while she was alive. and then how much he missed her after she'd gone. In June just seven short months after mom, dad suffered a massive heart attack, even then I could not bring myself to believe he would leave us. Unfortunately he did. I have brought some of his ashes back to the UK because that's what he wanted and I will scatter them into the ocean so he can explore wherever he wants.

I have been truly blessed to have the parents I had. We would shout and scream and fight and swear but any family who tells you they don't is lying. We were completely dysfunctional, but there is no normal. I often think I sound like my mom when screaming at Kiki and Shiny but you know what? Like me my children will learn about being independent and taking responsibility for their actions and even they may sometimes hate me or want to run away, I know that if not before but when I am gone they will appreciate how much I had done for them, how hard I would fight for them and how much I love them.

I regret not telling my parents "thank you" and " I love you" every single day. I am sure my siblings feel the same.

August 18, 2015

Another cloudy day here at the Witterings, it's actually quite chilly but it's lovely getting out of the house. Rob has taken the kids onto the beach, they are swimming now I believe. I wish we could afford for Rob to work part time, it would be great to have him home more. No going away for us this summer, but we are very blessed to be away for Christmas (a long weekend in Shropshire) and of course our second visit to Florida in April.

I have been thinking so much about Mom and Dad, it's so hard to think I have to wait the rest of life before seeing them again but I do believe that they will be there for me when it's my time, and so of course will my Jonathan and everyone else who has meant something to me.

Being here after my operation just shows me how lucky I am to be married to Rob, he made sure I could rest and I have been treated like a queen, so much more that I deserve . Jo has been my only visitor though and I know I am blessed to have her in my life. This time however has also brought home just how isolated we are and how much family really mean. It would have been nice to have Lolly, Jaime and the girls pop in or Katrini bringing me a cup of tea and moaning that I should be in bed. But this decision was made by both of us as a team and we know that what we have done is the best thing if not for us, then for our children. I still hang onto the hope that one day my family will want to visit me here, so I can show them all the wonderful places they've seen in the films and I still wait patiently for my darling sister to come over so she and I can do our "Bridget Jones" walk over Tower Bridge.


It's all a little random I guess, but getting back into this writing thing will probably take a little time.
If I have not bored you to death, thanks for getting to the end and if I have bored you to death then maybe you'll be waiting with Mom, Dad and Jonathan when my time in this realm ends.

In Love and Light
Tracey

Just one day at a time

It's 3.50 am on the 5th of May 2012, on this day 10 years ago Rob and I lost our son. We don't know why. It has been 10 years and every day we take it one day at a time. We have been blessed with 2 more children, but every mother will tell you that each one is loved with all her heart. So even though our lives are full and rewarding, there is always something missing.

When it happened, I did not want to carry on, I could very easily have joined him. However eventually the pain of a broken heart goes away and you get up out of bed, have a bath, have a cry, get dressed and start facing the world. A world that is forever changed because there is such a fundamental part of your being missing.

One day you wake up and it seems that the pain is as fresh as it was on the very day we lost him, yet it's a year later and you have survived. Hey, and life has gone on.

Then one day you wake up and it's 10 years and the pain is fresh and the tears still flow. I know that Jonathan David is experiencing a new journey, he has visited me on occasion and I have had signs that he is with my granny.

I also know that he is waiting for me and I'll tell you why.

Soon after we lost him, I had fallen asleep on the couch in our house in Kensington, I awoke to find him next to me, he was laughing and playing a game of hide and seek, my boy went behind the curtains (I remember they were green with thin yellow and red stripes). Before I could go and find him I regained full consciousness and there he is waiting behind the curtain for me to find him. You see where he is, there is no sense of time as we experience it here. so he will wait a moment for me to find him, but I unfortunately have to wait the rest of my physical life. I have always said that I imagine the transition from this life to the next as being met at the arrivals hall of an international airport, but my transition will begin with a laugh and a smile as I pull the curtain away and grab my child and hold him so close to my heart and in that instant all the pain and all the tears that have shed and will continue to shed for the rest of my life will be forgotten and I will finally be at peace.

AND THAT DEAR FRIENDS IS WHAT I'D CALL HEAVEN.

In love and light.
Tracey