Day31 - Smoke on the water...

Well it's Monday again and it's already almost over, where does the time go? Anyway I had my first official guitar lesson with K today. Yesterday K wanted to quit and I was quite upset about that. I did guitar when I was younger but no-one ever pushed me to finish anything, so I decided I would have lessons with K and he would practice. The last two weeks we managed to practise once and that was like trying to move an ass that has decided it just doesn't want to go anywhere.
But this evening the lesson went so well and it appealed to the performer in my son and he had a marvelous time upstaging me, I had fun too because in case you don't know already I am rather competitive by nature. The difference between K and I is that I no longer get frustrated when I loose. This is a huge lesson he has to learn. My hope though is that he will learn that you can't just give up when all you need is a little committment and hard work. I had for many years (and probably still do) have a habit of not finishing anything I start. I do not want my son to create for himself a habit of quitting when times get tough. I want him to be the type of character that people know they can rely on.
I know that as a parent I am particularly tough on both my children, yet both are performing at the top of their grades. C is so determined in what ever she does, ballet, tap dancing, she works much harder at all her school work and even though she is only 6 she has never once told me she CAN'T. She will give it a go with all her heart and soul. This doesn't mean that she doesn't have the odd strop every now and then but not half as many as K. I am a very proud mother and my children know that both Rob and I are there for them, but I would ideally like my children growing up with a sense of conviction and honour. Rob shows conviction and honour in everything he does and commits himself to. I have been on a journey the last 7 years, a journey that has taught me that I have huge chips on my shoulders and these are being systematically removed - I hope- but I will hopefully not allow these chips to build on the shoulders of my children. I will teach them the importance of the truth and respect in everything they do and hopefully they will never have to look in the mirror and not like what they see.

In love and light

Day 29 - Cold and colder

Yesterday I decided that I would take on a little creative project, our kitchen table is in a horrible state and I thought I might make it something to do during half term, so we took a drive to B&Q today and looked at some tiles, yes I thought I'd tile the kitchen table. Not so strange an idea, easy to clean and looks good etc. However noone prepared me for the weight of the tiles. Rob decided in his infinate wisdom that we'd be adding huge weight to a table we'd have to dismantle to get out of the kitchen (to do said project) and then rebuild the table when I was done. Anyway I have subsequently changed my mind, my project will be simply to re-upholster the chairs, this he knows I can and have done before, guess he might be afraid I'd never finish and then we'd have pieces of table and tiles lying all over. Too bad I'll have to find another outlet for my creativity. Could write I guess, will need to go through everything I've written down on paper for the last 3 years to see if there is one topic sufficiently stimulating to keep me busy.

In love and light

Day 28 - Up, up and away....

Been gone a while, because I've had nothing much to say but hell do I have something to share today.
My whole life I have let my weight hold me back. "Oh no I can't do that people will laugh at me." I can't do that" and so I have let alot of really cool things pass me by. Using my weight as an excuse and worrying too much about what other people will think.
Well today at climbing I decided to stop hiding behind my weight, I put on a harness and I climbed.
I got about a metre off the ground and thought, I can't do this. Then I thought about the 9 and 10 year olds down there and what sort of role model would I'd be if I wimped out. So I moved my leg, moved my arm and soon I was just concentrating on where to put the next hand and the next foot and the all of a sudden there where no more, I had reached the top (about 20m), looking down I was petrified and the abseiling down the wall seemed much harder in comparison to the climb up the wall.
Once down visibly shaking but smiling from ear to ear, I knew that I had managed to fight through my fear, not my fear of climbing, so much as the fear I have of people's opinions of me. Today I went up, up and away and so did my confidence, I hope that my new found fearlessness will encourage my own children to work through and get passed their fears.

In love and light.

Day 25 - Coming home

It's difficult sometimes to find something to say without sort of resorting to a long list of what we did step by step for the day, but I suppose whether we know it or not we are ultimately enlightened a little bit every day. The problem though is that we don't usually realise that we have to some degree been enlightened. I had very vibrant dreams last night, not scary but kind of trippy, I woke up even more tired then when I went to bed.
These dreams are my sub-concious trying to come to terms with something specific, and since they centred around our trip to SA, I suppose my psyche is trying to reconcile the fact that maybe, I won't want to come back. Second to loosing J this move has been horribly hard. I know Rob misses his friends, but his family is here, so he has absolutely no clue how I feel at leaving everyone I love and care for (outside of our foursome) 11000 miles away.
This leaves me with a huge problem, because Rob will never come back, and my children are essentially British, and small town British not cosmopolitan British. So all things considered I guess I'll be coming back..... home?

In love and light.

Day 24 - Time and space

Isn't horrible how quickly the weekend goes and then Monday tends to drag and drag and drag.... Then once Monday is over the rest of the week flies by. I must admit that we are all to some extent wishing our lives away. I then always think about one of the first times Jonathan came to visit me, I was lying on the couch in the lounge in Cumberland Road, we had dark green curtains with yellow and red stripes, he came up to me and was playing hide and seek, he hid himself behind the curtain in the bay window. I remember crying because for him there is no time or space and he will stand there mere seconds before I pull back the curtain and grab him into my arms. BUT, I have to live the rest of my life (another 30/ 40 years) before I can pull back the curtains and hold him in my arms.
I know this is probably a little down beat today but there are times when I think of him more and today seems to be one of those days. You see I am not afraid to die. I'd be lying if I said I was not afraid of HOW I might die, but I am certain enough the death is only the beginning. I like to imagine death as the arrivals hall of a huge airport, where people are coming in from all over and the ones they love are all there waiting, mothers and their children are reunited. Lovers run into each others arms and sisters scream with delight at the sight of each other.
I will certainly be screaming with delight when my sister picks us up from Oliver Tambo in July, unfortunately in this life, she's also going to have to take me back. In death there is no going back and we are reunited forever.

In love and light.

Day 22 - It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me

I wish! Just heard the song on the tv. Saturday, lazy Saturday palmed the kids off to the Panto with the church, Rob and I had a lovely breakfast at the corner pub and a walk around the town, window shopping for houses. Unfortunately if we want to buy a house this year, it looks like we'll get better value for money outside of Petersfield, by moving 5 miles down the road, we can get a three bedroom house for about £80000 less than what the cost is here. It's sad and although K has to transition to the junior school, which is conveniently over the road, C is doing really well where she is and I don't know that I'd want to move her for 1 year because then she has to move from the Infants.
Isn't it amazing how every decision we make is centered around our children, how different our lives would be if we had decided not to try again after Jon.... Not that I would change it and posting pictures of my babies onto fb today I know that I am eternally grateful for their unconditional love and affection. I guess all the sleepless nights and worrying will only get worse when they have bigger challenges in their own lives. All said and done we have to get our own home for the mini zoo my children are planning for when we are allowed pets.

In love and light.

Day 21 - Another fine one.

Believe it or not when I went through at 7.00am this morning to wake C up, I opened the curtains and what I saw was merely a lighter shade of dark, but it made me feel fantastic because I now know that summer is on it's way, it's been a cold crisp day but the glimmer of light in the sky this morning let me know that our long dreary cold existance is coming to an end.
The sun has been out all day and even driving into school this morning which is beautifully located on the Southern Downs was fog free.
I then got to spend the day in Midhurst, first climbing (the children that is) and then singing in the BIG SING held at Midhurst Rother College. Sometimes my job is so great I don't ever feel like it's work, of course though there are always good and bad days and of course we are dealing with people, young people who are moody, have good days and bad just like I do. Then there are also a number of children dealing with so much more, young carers, parental drug/alcohol addiction, behaviour disorders, neglect and I could list lots lots more, but today was essentially another good day. However being home with my own two, who are more than happy to entertain themselves while I do this, is the best thing of all.

In love and light.