I must admit that not working is taking it's toll on me. I don't know where I am from minute to minute, I have spent the last year rushing around from home to work (which I loved very much as you all know) and then rushing home, getting kids, rushing off to take kids to ballet, tap, rainbows, and beavers, all being home in time for other things like guitar lessons etc.
Now I just feel like I'm floating in limbo, I walk Kieran to school (loving it) and then walking back home and driving Cheyenne to school, (because she doesn't like walking and I can't have her getting to school with both of us totally stressed out)! BUT what am I doing the rest of the time? Let's see cleaning toilets, washing (lots of bloody washing!) and ironing. Putting out bins and vacuuming the carpets, making the beds doing the dishes etc etc and so forth.
Let me just recap I used to do all this before I lost my job but now it's kind of like I am losing myself in housework and to top it all off I haven't been sleeping and 200 people were made redundant yesterday at Rob's place of work (thank God his job is safe) and because I am not rushing all over the place my sense of timing is absolute shite, I waited 15 minutes in the car park for Cheyenne because I just didn't have anything better todo. And this paragraph is an example of how mushy my mind is.
One thing's for certain all the time in the world doesn't make you happy if you can't go out and enjoy a steaming hot latte at the local Cafe Nero or Costa coffee.
In love and light
Wednesday 14 September 2011
Thursday 18 August 2011
Day 18 Month 8 - When is a home not a home
Hello
Well, it's been such a long time since I wrote anything down here, but it's not because there has been nothing so to say. Oh no! I have been blessed with the opportunity of returning home to South Africa for our UK summer holidays. My mother who is not well paid for us to come and visit, and although I was born and bred South African I can honestly say with a certain amount of disappointment mind you that I am no longer African.
It has only been 4 short and fast years since we left but this is no longer my home. It has been great to see the family and our friends but the country to which I was born has gone. The cost of living has risen to the standard of the UK and so I will no longer be complaining about our cost of living in the UK. There are vendors on every street corner, vying for the attention of cars passing by, with a beggar. There is rubbish dumped on the streets and even more "security villages" and burglar proofing on the doors and windows. Squatter camps litter the view with hundreds of thousands of people still living in shacks, so who's living in all the low cost housing that was being built when we left?
Retired Archbishop Desmond Tutu is calling for a "once off tax on whites" have you ever heard of such racism?
The differentiation between the haves and have nots is clearly defined and although there are many more blacks who are very well off, affirmative action has robbed many affluent whites of this status.
So it is with regret and longing that I wish to go home.
Home where my children are safe from harm, home where we are sheltered from the poverty of the rest of the world and yes for the first time I must admit that ignorance is bliss, not that I would deny my children their African heritage it is just that they have so many more opportunities to excel where we live now, where they will never be discriminated against because of the colour of their skin.
Yes apartheid was evil, and yes I benefited from it, but it does not excuse the current situation in what was once my home.
In love and light.
Well, it's been such a long time since I wrote anything down here, but it's not because there has been nothing so to say. Oh no! I have been blessed with the opportunity of returning home to South Africa for our UK summer holidays. My mother who is not well paid for us to come and visit, and although I was born and bred South African I can honestly say with a certain amount of disappointment mind you that I am no longer African.
It has only been 4 short and fast years since we left but this is no longer my home. It has been great to see the family and our friends but the country to which I was born has gone. The cost of living has risen to the standard of the UK and so I will no longer be complaining about our cost of living in the UK. There are vendors on every street corner, vying for the attention of cars passing by, with a beggar. There is rubbish dumped on the streets and even more "security villages" and burglar proofing on the doors and windows. Squatter camps litter the view with hundreds of thousands of people still living in shacks, so who's living in all the low cost housing that was being built when we left?
Retired Archbishop Desmond Tutu is calling for a "once off tax on whites" have you ever heard of such racism?
The differentiation between the haves and have nots is clearly defined and although there are many more blacks who are very well off, affirmative action has robbed many affluent whites of this status.
So it is with regret and longing that I wish to go home.
Home where my children are safe from harm, home where we are sheltered from the poverty of the rest of the world and yes for the first time I must admit that ignorance is bliss, not that I would deny my children their African heritage it is just that they have so many more opportunities to excel where we live now, where they will never be discriminated against because of the colour of their skin.
Yes apartheid was evil, and yes I benefited from it, but it does not excuse the current situation in what was once my home.
In love and light.
Monday 18 July 2011
Day 18 Month 7 - One step at a time
Good evening All.
I have just retweeted a quote that says " One step at a time is good walking" Chinese Proverb, and I kind of had an epaphany. It seems my whole life I have been trying to run somewhere. Run, go faster, get there quicker, finish first etc, but all I have done is hold myself back because I have never truely completed anything in my life. By wanting to do everything faster, and usuallyu getting lots wrong along the way, I have stopped myself from wanting to finish at all. In essence I have managed to create a habit of failure. I read something a long while ago in The Masterkey System that said if you are not going to finish something, then don't bother starting. I have not only created but managed to maintain a habit of failure.
As most of you know I am still looking for a job and although I have some work lined up that will help pay the bills in September I do not have a job, I woke up this morning really depressed at the fact that this is my last week in my current job, and then I realised that when we come home from SA, I can leisurely walk my son and daughter to school. It will be the first time ever, I think, that we will not have to rush out of the house to be dropped off somewhere.
I will also be able to do all the washing and ironing during the week without having to give up my Sunday afternoons to the ironing board. I will be able to mop floors and clean toilets without worrying about when I have to be here or there. And most importantly I will be able to spend a decent amount of time copying my written work into the computer and editing out the crap and perhaps have enough courage to actually walk my way, one step at a time, into finally writing my book.
Yes things will be tough financially but we will survive.
So here's to finally slowing down and hopefully taking it one step at a time.
In love and light
I have just retweeted a quote that says " One step at a time is good walking" Chinese Proverb, and I kind of had an epaphany. It seems my whole life I have been trying to run somewhere. Run, go faster, get there quicker, finish first etc, but all I have done is hold myself back because I have never truely completed anything in my life. By wanting to do everything faster, and usuallyu getting lots wrong along the way, I have stopped myself from wanting to finish at all. In essence I have managed to create a habit of failure. I read something a long while ago in The Masterkey System that said if you are not going to finish something, then don't bother starting. I have not only created but managed to maintain a habit of failure.
As most of you know I am still looking for a job and although I have some work lined up that will help pay the bills in September I do not have a job, I woke up this morning really depressed at the fact that this is my last week in my current job, and then I realised that when we come home from SA, I can leisurely walk my son and daughter to school. It will be the first time ever, I think, that we will not have to rush out of the house to be dropped off somewhere.
I will also be able to do all the washing and ironing during the week without having to give up my Sunday afternoons to the ironing board. I will be able to mop floors and clean toilets without worrying about when I have to be here or there. And most importantly I will be able to spend a decent amount of time copying my written work into the computer and editing out the crap and perhaps have enough courage to actually walk my way, one step at a time, into finally writing my book.
Yes things will be tough financially but we will survive.
So here's to finally slowing down and hopefully taking it one step at a time.
In love and light
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Day 12 Month 7 - Ask and ye shall receive
Good Evening All
I know it's been a while since I wrote anything and it's because there has been nothing much to say. It just seems that whatever I write has been written by someone else so it's hard to find a new way of expressing something without looking like you knicked it off of someone else.
Anyway, this Sunday at church we discussed prayer and the reasons for prayer and what should we say and where should we say it. We had a verse to commit to memory. "If you believe you will receive, whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21 v 22. So I have been thinking about that a bit and it's true. When you ask for something and you have a belief that you are going to get it then you will. God, the universe (whatever is more comfortable for you) says IF YOU BELIEVE, do you truely feel worthy of what it is you are asking for? YOU WILL RECEIVE, is this really what you want and if it is, is this the best time for you? WHATEVER, have you been specific in what you want, God doesn't want to decipher riddles, you will get WHATEVER you ask for because He wants you to be happy. YOU ASK FOR IN PRAYER, you don't have to go down on your knees and clasp your hands under your chin to be praying. Sitting in traffic, stressing about the traffic, swearing under your breath. Worry in the back of your mind about bills and jobs etc. This all amounts to prayer and because you concentrate on the negative so much that is what you are getting. You are getting WHATEVER you have asked for. So stop concentrating on the negative, start thinking about the positive, smile in the traffic, say bless you instead of f"£k off. Think about money coming in rather than going out. For those of you more New Age than Christian, this is the very simple philosophy of the law of attraction, for those Christians out there reading this, go and look in your Bible, this is just ONE example of God telling us that He will give us what we ask for, HE is a gracious loving Father who gives His children what they ask for. As always though I am going to ask you to remember to be grateful for what you have, and while it's nice to have more and better, it's also good to think of those less fortunate.
So tonight I am grateful that I have found something to share with you all and I ask that those in New Zealand still being affected by earthquakes are kept safe and that the incidents will reduce in number and stop. I am also grateful that my children have gone to bed with full tummy's while hundreds (if not thousands) of children in East Africa have gone to bed hungry and thirsty, and I am going to ask that they be kept safe and pray that aid will reach them before anymore children die of starvation.
In love and light (anf prayer)
I know it's been a while since I wrote anything and it's because there has been nothing much to say. It just seems that whatever I write has been written by someone else so it's hard to find a new way of expressing something without looking like you knicked it off of someone else.
Anyway, this Sunday at church we discussed prayer and the reasons for prayer and what should we say and where should we say it. We had a verse to commit to memory. "If you believe you will receive, whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21 v 22. So I have been thinking about that a bit and it's true. When you ask for something and you have a belief that you are going to get it then you will. God, the universe (whatever is more comfortable for you) says IF YOU BELIEVE, do you truely feel worthy of what it is you are asking for? YOU WILL RECEIVE, is this really what you want and if it is, is this the best time for you? WHATEVER, have you been specific in what you want, God doesn't want to decipher riddles, you will get WHATEVER you ask for because He wants you to be happy. YOU ASK FOR IN PRAYER, you don't have to go down on your knees and clasp your hands under your chin to be praying. Sitting in traffic, stressing about the traffic, swearing under your breath. Worry in the back of your mind about bills and jobs etc. This all amounts to prayer and because you concentrate on the negative so much that is what you are getting. You are getting WHATEVER you have asked for. So stop concentrating on the negative, start thinking about the positive, smile in the traffic, say bless you instead of f"£k off. Think about money coming in rather than going out. For those of you more New Age than Christian, this is the very simple philosophy of the law of attraction, for those Christians out there reading this, go and look in your Bible, this is just ONE example of God telling us that He will give us what we ask for, HE is a gracious loving Father who gives His children what they ask for. As always though I am going to ask you to remember to be grateful for what you have, and while it's nice to have more and better, it's also good to think of those less fortunate.
So tonight I am grateful that I have found something to share with you all and I ask that those in New Zealand still being affected by earthquakes are kept safe and that the incidents will reduce in number and stop. I am also grateful that my children have gone to bed with full tummy's while hundreds (if not thousands) of children in East Africa have gone to bed hungry and thirsty, and I am going to ask that they be kept safe and pray that aid will reach them before anymore children die of starvation.
In love and light (anf prayer)
Wednesday 22 June 2011
Day 22 Month 6 - Enable Me
Good Evening All
I had a marvelous day at school today, the school played host to a various array of disabled people, the Enable Me programme is designed to encourage awareness of the abilities of disabled people.
This morning we were met by two sports coaches (both in wheelchairs) a man with a lovely sense of humour who'd suffered a major stroke at age 29 and by far the most inspiring of the lot was a beautiful French woman who is 27 years of age. At university 7 years ago she contracted Meningitis TB. She was in a Coma for around 5 months and when she awoke she had lost ALL her hearing and ALL her sight. In addition to NO HEARING AND NO SIGHT, she could not move her body and was told she would be paralyzed from the neck down. She walked in today guided by a lady and walking with a crutch (friend #1). She explained that she is now partially sighted and can hear with a hearing aid (friend #2). She showed the children various "friends", basically little gadgets that vibrate and beep so she can feel or hear the door bell, the telephone, the oven etc. I asked how long she has been completely blind and completely deaf before her hearing and sight started returning. She picked up her Bible and told us that when the Doctor checks her eyes, her nerves are irreparably damaged. she should not be seeing anything. She attributes her ability to see in shadows and colour (albeit dim) to her faith. Her sight is getting better, on pure faith.
I was blown away by this young woman who returned to university to complete her course, and her ability to have faith after such an illness makes me think again of how we should be grateful EVERY DAY who knows when something like this could happen and then it leads me to wonder would I be as gracious, as inspiring and as forgiving had this happened to me?
Do me one favour tonight, look in the mirror and be grateful for 2 eyes that work, 2 ears that work and a body that responds to every little command without any effort.
In lots of love and lots of light.
I had a marvelous day at school today, the school played host to a various array of disabled people, the Enable Me programme is designed to encourage awareness of the abilities of disabled people.
This morning we were met by two sports coaches (both in wheelchairs) a man with a lovely sense of humour who'd suffered a major stroke at age 29 and by far the most inspiring of the lot was a beautiful French woman who is 27 years of age. At university 7 years ago she contracted Meningitis TB. She was in a Coma for around 5 months and when she awoke she had lost ALL her hearing and ALL her sight. In addition to NO HEARING AND NO SIGHT, she could not move her body and was told she would be paralyzed from the neck down. She walked in today guided by a lady and walking with a crutch (friend #1). She explained that she is now partially sighted and can hear with a hearing aid (friend #2). She showed the children various "friends", basically little gadgets that vibrate and beep so she can feel or hear the door bell, the telephone, the oven etc. I asked how long she has been completely blind and completely deaf before her hearing and sight started returning. She picked up her Bible and told us that when the Doctor checks her eyes, her nerves are irreparably damaged. she should not be seeing anything. She attributes her ability to see in shadows and colour (albeit dim) to her faith. Her sight is getting better, on pure faith.
I was blown away by this young woman who returned to university to complete her course, and her ability to have faith after such an illness makes me think again of how we should be grateful EVERY DAY who knows when something like this could happen and then it leads me to wonder would I be as gracious, as inspiring and as forgiving had this happened to me?
Do me one favour tonight, look in the mirror and be grateful for 2 eyes that work, 2 ears that work and a body that responds to every little command without any effort.
In lots of love and lots of light.
Monday 13 June 2011
Day 13 Month 6 Let's astound ourselves
If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves. Thomas Edison
Isn't this quote amazing? It feeds back into the thinking that we can do, be and have everything we want. It's important to remember that we do have everything we need and be grateful for it, but everything we want can be a little different.
We need to first of all know that we are deserving of everything we want, because if we cannot convince ourselves that we deserve all the good things in life we will have doubts and those doubts (brought on by the ego) will prevent us from imagining and creating our perfect world.
So three major laws to follow when creating your perfect life.
1. Be grateful for what you have
2. Let the ego go, know that you are deserving of it all
3. Believe that it is all yours to have.
In love and light
Isn't this quote amazing? It feeds back into the thinking that we can do, be and have everything we want. It's important to remember that we do have everything we need and be grateful for it, but everything we want can be a little different.
We need to first of all know that we are deserving of everything we want, because if we cannot convince ourselves that we deserve all the good things in life we will have doubts and those doubts (brought on by the ego) will prevent us from imagining and creating our perfect world.
So three major laws to follow when creating your perfect life.
1. Be grateful for what you have
2. Let the ego go, know that you are deserving of it all
3. Believe that it is all yours to have.
In love and light
Sunday 12 June 2011
Day 12 Month 6 - I believe in Angels
All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Those of you who know me will know 3 things.
1. I believe in Angels
2. I am amazed that Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote (quite a while ago) beliefs that are not confined to mainstream religion and yet touch many of the beliefs that I have.
3. You know my beliefs on the Creator.
So with those three things in mind let me tell you what this quote means to me...it means that if we can see and appreciate the world around us, then imagine what is laying beneath this magnificent surface.
A lot of new age writing touches on the unseen, imagining or visualising your life as you want it to be. I have tried to quite my mind enough to visualise my perfect life into reality, you all know how that turned out. But this evenings quote is actually saying to me, WOW just look at what we DO have around us right now, rain bringing life back into dehydrated trees, grass and flowers. Family who love us, and whom we love. Friends, who care and help because they want to without any repayment. The ability to help those friends because we can and because we want to without any repayment. A roof over our heads, jobs to go to. Things to see, places to go. So let us just reflect a moment on what the Creator (yourself) has brought into your life and vow today to change the negative, and be truly appreciative for the positive for by refelcting on the positive we are bringing more positive into our lives. By ignoring the negative we are then eliminating it from our lives.
In love and light
Those of you who know me will know 3 things.
1. I believe in Angels
2. I am amazed that Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote (quite a while ago) beliefs that are not confined to mainstream religion and yet touch many of the beliefs that I have.
3. You know my beliefs on the Creator.
So with those three things in mind let me tell you what this quote means to me...it means that if we can see and appreciate the world around us, then imagine what is laying beneath this magnificent surface.
A lot of new age writing touches on the unseen, imagining or visualising your life as you want it to be. I have tried to quite my mind enough to visualise my perfect life into reality, you all know how that turned out. But this evenings quote is actually saying to me, WOW just look at what we DO have around us right now, rain bringing life back into dehydrated trees, grass and flowers. Family who love us, and whom we love. Friends, who care and help because they want to without any repayment. The ability to help those friends because we can and because we want to without any repayment. A roof over our heads, jobs to go to. Things to see, places to go. So let us just reflect a moment on what the Creator (yourself) has brought into your life and vow today to change the negative, and be truly appreciative for the positive for by refelcting on the positive we are bringing more positive into our lives. By ignoring the negative we are then eliminating it from our lives.
In love and light
Thursday 9 June 2011
Day 9 Month 6 - Faith, Hope and Love
Hope is the dream of the waking man.
French Proverb
I came across this quote today and it reminded me of something, I have often written about the words in Corinthians 13, sorry my Bible is downstairs and I don't feel like going to find it, that say something like the 3 most important things are faith, hope and love, the greatest of these is love.
I say NO the greatest of these is not love, yes love is important but I personally do not believe that it is the greatest of the three. In my opinion, the greatest of these is HOPE. Man can live without faith (and many do), man can live without love and many do), man cannot live without HOPE, hope of faith at some point, hope of love at least once in a lifetime, hope for the perfect job. Hope gives you something to hold onto. Hope makes life worth living. People who suffer from depression have lost hope, many people who take their own lives have in my opinion lost HOPE. When dealing with the tragedy of losing our baby, I had love, I had faith and it was the loss of hope which caused the greatest feeling of nothingness that encompassed my life. It was the hope of seeing our baby grow, it was the hope of celebrating his first Christmas, it was the hope of seeing him graduate from university. It was the hope of seeing him married with children and it was this loss of hope that caused me to want to die.
Hope is the greatest of all and I wish that you all have faith (in something), feel love (for someone) but most importantly I wish you HOPE, because hope keeps everything else in balance.
In love and light
French Proverb
I came across this quote today and it reminded me of something, I have often written about the words in Corinthians 13, sorry my Bible is downstairs and I don't feel like going to find it, that say something like the 3 most important things are faith, hope and love, the greatest of these is love.
I say NO the greatest of these is not love, yes love is important but I personally do not believe that it is the greatest of the three. In my opinion, the greatest of these is HOPE. Man can live without faith (and many do), man can live without love and many do), man cannot live without HOPE, hope of faith at some point, hope of love at least once in a lifetime, hope for the perfect job. Hope gives you something to hold onto. Hope makes life worth living. People who suffer from depression have lost hope, many people who take their own lives have in my opinion lost HOPE. When dealing with the tragedy of losing our baby, I had love, I had faith and it was the loss of hope which caused the greatest feeling of nothingness that encompassed my life. It was the hope of seeing our baby grow, it was the hope of celebrating his first Christmas, it was the hope of seeing him graduate from university. It was the hope of seeing him married with children and it was this loss of hope that caused me to want to die.
Hope is the greatest of all and I wish that you all have faith (in something), feel love (for someone) but most importantly I wish you HOPE, because hope keeps everything else in balance.
In love and light
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Day8 Month6 - Returning to the original reason for this blog
Good Evening
I have decided to return to the original reason for starting this blog, I believe that we need to be motivated everyday and from experience I know that a little bit of motivation goes along way. It's just easy I suppose to fall into a rut and write just for the sake of getting something out there. Today I return to the roots of this blog. So here goes...
"Believe with all of your heart that you will do what you were made to do.
Orison Swett Marden."
Looking through some quotes today, I found this one particularly moving. Moving because it reminded me of my Auntie Be, a fantastically wonderful women who is always remembered with much love. Auntie Be always used to say that "what is for you will never pass you by". Reflecting on the recent events of my working life, I suppose it gives me some hope that there must be something better waiting for me. Looking at the situation from a positive angle rather than a negative one means that I now have the opportunity to look for something better. I have applied for a couple of jobs and the hours are all part-time but hopefully because I now have a school years worth of experience I can earn a bit more. I am also in the position to be choosy about the next job I take. Rob takes good care of us so all the major bills are paid by him, and I have been offered my job back at the old folks home, so it's not like I won't be earning anything and it's not like we'll have to apply for benefits or loose our house, these are things mind you that other families are suffering with. It is also always important to be grateful for the things we have in life, a very BIG thing I had forgotten until I just typed these words. The bible somewhere says "be grateful everyday" and A Course in Miracles tells us that "God has given us everything we need".
When all is said and done I guess my ego has been bruised by being made redundant, and how ironic that I am the first person to dismiss the ego. I am NOT a victim, I used to be a victim but learning to be grateful for what I have and drawing strength in the knowledge that it could be worse and there are always others worse off than myself. Aristotle said "we are what we repeatedly do" he also said that "excellence is a habit", well so then is strength, being truly grateful, and knowing that it's really not personal, gives me the strength then to take this opportunity and use it to MY best advantage.
In love and light
I have decided to return to the original reason for starting this blog, I believe that we need to be motivated everyday and from experience I know that a little bit of motivation goes along way. It's just easy I suppose to fall into a rut and write just for the sake of getting something out there. Today I return to the roots of this blog. So here goes...
"Believe with all of your heart that you will do what you were made to do.
Orison Swett Marden."
Looking through some quotes today, I found this one particularly moving. Moving because it reminded me of my Auntie Be, a fantastically wonderful women who is always remembered with much love. Auntie Be always used to say that "what is for you will never pass you by". Reflecting on the recent events of my working life, I suppose it gives me some hope that there must be something better waiting for me. Looking at the situation from a positive angle rather than a negative one means that I now have the opportunity to look for something better. I have applied for a couple of jobs and the hours are all part-time but hopefully because I now have a school years worth of experience I can earn a bit more. I am also in the position to be choosy about the next job I take. Rob takes good care of us so all the major bills are paid by him, and I have been offered my job back at the old folks home, so it's not like I won't be earning anything and it's not like we'll have to apply for benefits or loose our house, these are things mind you that other families are suffering with. It is also always important to be grateful for the things we have in life, a very BIG thing I had forgotten until I just typed these words. The bible somewhere says "be grateful everyday" and A Course in Miracles tells us that "God has given us everything we need".
When all is said and done I guess my ego has been bruised by being made redundant, and how ironic that I am the first person to dismiss the ego. I am NOT a victim, I used to be a victim but learning to be grateful for what I have and drawing strength in the knowledge that it could be worse and there are always others worse off than myself. Aristotle said "we are what we repeatedly do" he also said that "excellence is a habit", well so then is strength, being truly grateful, and knowing that it's really not personal, gives me the strength then to take this opportunity and use it to MY best advantage.
In love and light
Friday 3 June 2011
Day3 Month6 - A new beginning
Wow, it has been a while since I've felt inspired enough to write, but here are my thoughts for today. As you all probably know after 9 years of searching for somthing to be fulfilling to me on the job front I have been made redundant from a job I actually do love. It's not a shock I was on an annual contract and with everyone needing to make cuts I knew it would be last in first out, because regardless of performance, redundancy packages cost money, I simply walk out the door. So I have been job hunting obviously for something similar in the hope of replicating the joy I feel currently. It's a hell of a lot harder than you'd think! So the applications are done and theyll be posted off today along with the well worded cover letter. Then comes the waiting, the waiting is the hardest part because I have no control over how long I have to wait, so that says something about my need to always be in control of a situation and now you see why being made redundant is so hard for me to bear and while everyone says it's not personal. How can anyone NOT take it personally when you are doing a good job and it's still not enough to keep you in emplyment? They've said that if something else opens up I can keep my job, yes it's good to know that I was doing a good enough job that they would want me back, and I've been offered my old job back at the nursing which was to a certain extent fulfilling but while you can assist an elderly person with dimentia today, you need to do it again tomorrow, and again the next day, while assisting a child today means that they have that input for the rest of their lives and hopefully somehow someway you have enriched that childs life. And so I'm going to raise a toast today to new beginnings because whether I like it or not I have to HAVE to have one. CHEERS!!
In love and light
In love and light
Saturday 14 May 2011
Day14 Month5 - Feeling Good
I was feeling a little down last night because I have to work this weekend and while waiting for my show to come on (Criminal Minds) I was channel surfing and came across Dirty Dancing, I'd missed the beginning and picked up where Johnny starts teaching Baby to dance for the show at the other hotel. I ended up missing Crimal Minds and watching to the end. I think I had a silly smile on my face because I remember watching Dirty Dancing for the 1st time at the Top Star Drive in and I am not exactly certain but I was either 17 or 18 so we are talking 1987/88. I can honsestly say that re-watching this one movie has highlighted how important movies, music and tv have become in making us as a species. In times of economic down-turn, the entertainment industry is very seldom hit but a recession, this was true during the great depression when unemplyed people would fill cinemas and watch movies, so what's the attraction?
I can say it's about escape-ism! I love watching movies that are far out. Give me Aliens, give me Zombies, give me Vampires, give me chick-flicks it's about forgetting your own problems and feeling great about something, anything. May the movie business go from strength to strength and may I never tire of watching the classics like Dirty Dancing.
Thank-you Patrick Swayze! Rest in peace knowing you brought joy to millions, and I am pleased to be one of them.
In love and light.
I can say it's about escape-ism! I love watching movies that are far out. Give me Aliens, give me Zombies, give me Vampires, give me chick-flicks it's about forgetting your own problems and feeling great about something, anything. May the movie business go from strength to strength and may I never tire of watching the classics like Dirty Dancing.
Thank-you Patrick Swayze! Rest in peace knowing you brought joy to millions, and I am pleased to be one of them.
In love and light.
Thursday 5 May 2011
Month 5 Day 5 - The day it all began
Well it's 9 years today since we lost our Jonathan, I have shed a few tears and I have mentioned it to the kids and Robs has had a very busy day, so we haven't really had time to wallow in the tragedy of it all. It's on days like this that you begin to understand what being grateful is all about. I often say that I am grateful and then still feel like something is missing or am unable to feel content with my life. Is this because our first born is not here in the flesh with us? I don't think so, if I'm totally honest. I have 2 of the most beautiful children here with me and there is nothing better that going to wake them up and getting a big smile and a hug. It's only a few hours between bedtime and wake up time but when my son sees me he smiles the most joy- giving smile in the world and today was no different.
This morning after breakfast both my babies took their designated places on my lap and although it would have been VERY nice to have to squash in another one, I believe I felt truely grateful for the very FIRST time. Why? I am loved, and yes often I feel like I am maybe a little too tough and the words coming out my mouth are loud and blunt, but the kids don't hold it against me, they are able to smile and hug me like they haven't seen me for years. All I can say today is that although it would have been better to have all three alive and well and smiling up at me through sleepy eyes, I am grateful the two I've got are full of love and realise how much I really do love them and am grateful for them being here with me on this plane.
To my spirit child, I love you and will see you when it's my time, I know that for you the time is like a snap of my fingers, but as I've said unfortunately I have to wait the rest of my life.
In love and light (and grateful peace).
This morning after breakfast both my babies took their designated places on my lap and although it would have been VERY nice to have to squash in another one, I believe I felt truely grateful for the very FIRST time. Why? I am loved, and yes often I feel like I am maybe a little too tough and the words coming out my mouth are loud and blunt, but the kids don't hold it against me, they are able to smile and hug me like they haven't seen me for years. All I can say today is that although it would have been better to have all three alive and well and smiling up at me through sleepy eyes, I am grateful the two I've got are full of love and realise how much I really do love them and am grateful for them being here with me on this plane.
To my spirit child, I love you and will see you when it's my time, I know that for you the time is like a snap of my fingers, but as I've said unfortunately I have to wait the rest of my life.
In love and light (and grateful peace).
Saturday 30 April 2011
Month4 Day 30
It's another glorous day, unforntuately I have been working this morning. Alot of the day is gone, but there is more of the day to come and I have been playing a little bit of scrabble on fb. It's just so relaxing, the hustle and bustle of "The Wedding" is over and I sit at the kitchen table, door open, the wind blowing through the trees and I can't help thinking how blessed I really am.
So I had to work today but you know it's over now and yes I'll work tomorrow but let's face it, I am BLESSED because I can get up and go to work and I am blessed some more because I have a job to go to and I am blessed again because this is not even my full time job, it's extra so I can go home and visit my family.In this day and age when so many live on benefits or are unable to find work, I have 2 jobs. There are draw backs, but I know they are temporary so all in all "it just doesn't get any better than this!"
In love and light.
So I had to work today but you know it's over now and yes I'll work tomorrow but let's face it, I am BLESSED because I can get up and go to work and I am blessed some more because I have a job to go to and I am blessed again because this is not even my full time job, it's extra so I can go home and visit my family.In this day and age when so many live on benefits or are unable to find work, I have 2 jobs. There are draw backs, but I know they are temporary so all in all "it just doesn't get any better than this!"
In love and light.
Friday 29 April 2011
Month 4 Day 29 - Happily ever after
Hello
Well a beautiful day for a Royal wedding, not too hot and the rain held off. It's lovely to see the whole country (or what seems like the whole country) behind Prince William and his bride. I heard on the news someone say that it's all for monarcy public relations, he said it in a negative way and I think that some people can't understand the pressure that people like William are under. His mother for all her goodness, turned into a bitter woman full of despair and seriously damaged the relationship the public had with the monarcy. Having said that though I think Prince Charles is a good man, he has protected his children and helped keep their privacy. It's good to see him happy and all the upheaval of the past could have been avoided had he been allowed the bride of his choice.
Wills and Kate looked truely happy and I know from experience that the best husbands are often the best friends, love and kids etc are the bonuses that come along with being married to your best friend. Your friend knows you inside and out and they love you exactly as you are, because there was no alterior motive to begin with. The most important thing in any relationship is trust and friends are very often more trustworthy than lovers. I don't know the actual reason for Kate not giving Wills a ring but I think it goes a long way in showing the trust she has in him. She did not need to place a band on his finger to prove he belongs to her. And he does believe in her, the smile and sneaky looks say it all. I know because I give these looks and I get these looks from my very BEST friend, my husband, that doesn't mean we don't fight, but it does mean that he understands every single one of my moods and tempers. He knew them before we loved each other and he accepts them now as who I am and I don't have to be anyone different that me.
To Wills and Kate may I wish them love, peace and joy. To everyone else I wish true love and the opportunity to have a best friend.
In love and light
Well a beautiful day for a Royal wedding, not too hot and the rain held off. It's lovely to see the whole country (or what seems like the whole country) behind Prince William and his bride. I heard on the news someone say that it's all for monarcy public relations, he said it in a negative way and I think that some people can't understand the pressure that people like William are under. His mother for all her goodness, turned into a bitter woman full of despair and seriously damaged the relationship the public had with the monarcy. Having said that though I think Prince Charles is a good man, he has protected his children and helped keep their privacy. It's good to see him happy and all the upheaval of the past could have been avoided had he been allowed the bride of his choice.
Wills and Kate looked truely happy and I know from experience that the best husbands are often the best friends, love and kids etc are the bonuses that come along with being married to your best friend. Your friend knows you inside and out and they love you exactly as you are, because there was no alterior motive to begin with. The most important thing in any relationship is trust and friends are very often more trustworthy than lovers. I don't know the actual reason for Kate not giving Wills a ring but I think it goes a long way in showing the trust she has in him. She did not need to place a band on his finger to prove he belongs to her. And he does believe in her, the smile and sneaky looks say it all. I know because I give these looks and I get these looks from my very BEST friend, my husband, that doesn't mean we don't fight, but it does mean that he understands every single one of my moods and tempers. He knew them before we loved each other and he accepts them now as who I am and I don't have to be anyone different that me.
To Wills and Kate may I wish them love, peace and joy. To everyone else I wish true love and the opportunity to have a best friend.
In love and light
Tuesday 19 April 2011
Month4 Day 19
Good Afternoon!
I mean that in the most positive way possible. Blessed once again with great weather, Jo and I decided we'd go to Southsea today, it was fabulous, loads of people enjoying the school holidays and the sun, the news says that this weather is supposed to last until after the May 1st bank holiday, so spoilt, spoilt spoilt!! The kids (all 5 of them) were spectaularly behaved and althought the splash area was out of order, the kids did enjoy a some time on the beach in the sea. The water looked spectaular and the kids faces told me it was cold. We then headed home and the kids continued to play beautifully in the sprinkler in the back yard, thank goodness we do not have a water meter!!
Anyway just thought I'd share this little tidbit with you and because those of you in the southern hemisphere who read this are beginning to freeze your "arlies"off, brag about their good weather well so am I.
In love and light
I mean that in the most positive way possible. Blessed once again with great weather, Jo and I decided we'd go to Southsea today, it was fabulous, loads of people enjoying the school holidays and the sun, the news says that this weather is supposed to last until after the May 1st bank holiday, so spoilt, spoilt spoilt!! The kids (all 5 of them) were spectaularly behaved and althought the splash area was out of order, the kids did enjoy a some time on the beach in the sea. The water looked spectaular and the kids faces told me it was cold. We then headed home and the kids continued to play beautifully in the sprinkler in the back yard, thank goodness we do not have a water meter!!
Anyway just thought I'd share this little tidbit with you and because those of you in the southern hemisphere who read this are beginning to freeze your "arlies"off, brag about their good weather well so am I.
In love and light
Saturday 16 April 2011
Month 4 Day 15 It'd been found
Well it has been found. Yes the elusive DSi has been found. After searching through all the toy boxes and everything else it was found against the wall behind the draw and paint box, the only box I did not personally go through. So fully relieved and K still fully banned from all electronic gadgetry. I got a text while at work this morning letting me know.
Anyway in order to make some additional cash for our holiday I am working 2 weekends a month at the old folks home, from 7am to 1pm the only problem is that I am on my feet for a full 7 hours (bar 15 minute tea break) I am sitting here now absolutely exhausted. I must admit that it is great to see the old folks, I started last week and while there are lots of old faces unfortunely there are also lots of new faces, there is a waiting list so some one passes on and the room is refilled. It's sad but it gets to a point when you know that your folks need good care and the patients with dementia are the worst, they are confused and frightened, they don't remember anyone or anything from day to day and I can see why it's so hard for families to deal with.
In love and light.
Anyway in order to make some additional cash for our holiday I am working 2 weekends a month at the old folks home, from 7am to 1pm the only problem is that I am on my feet for a full 7 hours (bar 15 minute tea break) I am sitting here now absolutely exhausted. I must admit that it is great to see the old folks, I started last week and while there are lots of old faces unfortunely there are also lots of new faces, there is a waiting list so some one passes on and the room is refilled. It's sad but it gets to a point when you know that your folks need good care and the patients with dementia are the worst, they are confused and frightened, they don't remember anyone or anything from day to day and I can see why it's so hard for families to deal with.
In love and light.
Thursday 14 April 2011
Month 4 Day 14
Gosh I've had a real lousy day.
I feel so deflated and that is because we have searched this house high and low for K's DSi. Every drawer I opened there is junk, every box I moved more junk, when I think that we came here 4 short years ago with three suit cases and two carry-ons, now we have accumulated so much crap. There is more stuff in the garage than we had in our entire first home (our little two bedroom flat in Bez Valley before we had kids!) and when I think that we had Catherine cleaning up after us and making the beds and I didn't even know what dust was,now today I walked around with a scrap of a white towel and you should see the amount of dust no wonder I have such blinking allegies.
Anyway I have completely lost my temper periodically throughout the day. Simply because my son is so ungrateful, it doesn't bother him that this very expensive gadget is gone. When I say we searched high and low I mean C and I searched high and low. The point of today's entry is this. I really hate it when I feel out of control and when I completely strip, I scream and shout like a banshee and my voice gets louder and louder, I am sure the whole neighbourhood has heard me shouting today although hopefully a muffled version due to double glazed windows.
Anyway, I decided I needed some guidance and next to this very computer sits my bible, so I held it for a while took a few deep breaths and opened it. What did it say? It said something like this, Hosea the profit was feeling angry and betrayed because his wife had been unfaithful to him. God wanted Hosea to keep loving his wife, because those who we love hurt us the most, and we must rise above that hurt and just keep loving. Yes, God continues to love us no matter how much we hurt him and I suppose if I scale this down to what my day has been like then I need to continue to love my son even though I feel hurt and betrayed by his ungratefulness, the thing is I never ever felt that I did not love him, my love for him is absolute and he is such a sensitive child with an amazing sense of humour and so much love that he gives in return, so how can I feel such love and such anger at the same time for the same person? I think it's just that he has no clue about how much was sacrificed in order for his sister and himself to get these games consoles. I have been searching for this blooming machine because I know that after a long day at work Rob is coming home to start another search with yet more shouting and performing.
I think I am even angry with myself because the machine had been on the kitchen table for days and days and when I finaly got one of the kids to clear the table the blooming thing goes missing. I should have just done it myself, but I am so sick and tired of cleaning up after them and I really feel that it is time they took responsibility for their things. Holy crap I could just keep going on and on and on and on.
Bottom line I just wish the thing would reappear and soon.
In love and light.
I feel so deflated and that is because we have searched this house high and low for K's DSi. Every drawer I opened there is junk, every box I moved more junk, when I think that we came here 4 short years ago with three suit cases and two carry-ons, now we have accumulated so much crap. There is more stuff in the garage than we had in our entire first home (our little two bedroom flat in Bez Valley before we had kids!) and when I think that we had Catherine cleaning up after us and making the beds and I didn't even know what dust was,now today I walked around with a scrap of a white towel and you should see the amount of dust no wonder I have such blinking allegies.
Anyway I have completely lost my temper periodically throughout the day. Simply because my son is so ungrateful, it doesn't bother him that this very expensive gadget is gone. When I say we searched high and low I mean C and I searched high and low. The point of today's entry is this. I really hate it when I feel out of control and when I completely strip, I scream and shout like a banshee and my voice gets louder and louder, I am sure the whole neighbourhood has heard me shouting today although hopefully a muffled version due to double glazed windows.
Anyway, I decided I needed some guidance and next to this very computer sits my bible, so I held it for a while took a few deep breaths and opened it. What did it say? It said something like this, Hosea the profit was feeling angry and betrayed because his wife had been unfaithful to him. God wanted Hosea to keep loving his wife, because those who we love hurt us the most, and we must rise above that hurt and just keep loving. Yes, God continues to love us no matter how much we hurt him and I suppose if I scale this down to what my day has been like then I need to continue to love my son even though I feel hurt and betrayed by his ungratefulness, the thing is I never ever felt that I did not love him, my love for him is absolute and he is such a sensitive child with an amazing sense of humour and so much love that he gives in return, so how can I feel such love and such anger at the same time for the same person? I think it's just that he has no clue about how much was sacrificed in order for his sister and himself to get these games consoles. I have been searching for this blooming machine because I know that after a long day at work Rob is coming home to start another search with yet more shouting and performing.
I think I am even angry with myself because the machine had been on the kitchen table for days and days and when I finaly got one of the kids to clear the table the blooming thing goes missing. I should have just done it myself, but I am so sick and tired of cleaning up after them and I really feel that it is time they took responsibility for their things. Holy crap I could just keep going on and on and on and on.
Bottom line I just wish the thing would reappear and soon.
In love and light.
Friday 8 April 2011
Month4 Day8
WOW!!! Wow what a spectacular day. The weather this week has been great, I walked the kids to school, they finished at 12pm so after coffee with Jo and coming home to do the ironing, I walked back to the school and collected them, we then spent a glorious afternoon in the park, loads of kids they knew running around and sun glistening off the lake, and the grass green. The dogs running around the boats waiting on the water for tomorrow when people will leisurely row them around. Like I said WOW, life just doesn't getter better than this.
I started listening to Zig again this morning and the one on my IPOD is View from the top which is his CV about moving from success to significance and while I have few of the things money can buy, boy I am loaded because I have all of the things that money CAN'T buy.
I don't own a house, but boy do we have a great HOME. I don't have many companions, but I have friends (true friends nearby and far way). I looked around today and I realised just how lucky I REALLY am!! It's true, joy is the most important emotion but isn't it great when you realise that you need only be truley grateful for the things you have, even if they are only the weather and lots of smiling kids running around in the sun.
In love and light.
I started listening to Zig again this morning and the one on my IPOD is View from the top which is his CV about moving from success to significance and while I have few of the things money can buy, boy I am loaded because I have all of the things that money CAN'T buy.
I don't own a house, but boy do we have a great HOME. I don't have many companions, but I have friends (true friends nearby and far way). I looked around today and I realised just how lucky I REALLY am!! It's true, joy is the most important emotion but isn't it great when you realise that you need only be truley grateful for the things you have, even if they are only the weather and lots of smiling kids running around in the sun.
In love and light.
Tuesday 5 April 2011
Day5 Month 4 - A meaningful specific
I know, I know... It's just that there has not been much to say, things have been so busy and I have been so stressed over the whole job thing and Beryl moving away and I have been worried and I have been upset and I and I and I and I. Yes it's been one of those selfish phases that I seem to wallow in and then resent after.
I was just about to log off now for the evening when I decided to check my Twitter account, I don't have many followers and I follow specific things, mainly inspirational quotes etc, but I also follow Tom Ziglar who is the son of Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker and one of the best I have ever heard or read. I love his stuff and have or should I say had all his talks on cd, anyway tonight there was this little video and I am really sorry that I don't know how to attach it here, but it's just a little animated thing about tweeting, the bonus for me was that it included a number of Zig's quotes, and one of them was " are you a wandering generality or a meaningful specific." I had bought a number of cd's directly from the States and living in Joburg I was really glad to actually receive them through the post. When I heard Zig say those words during one of his live talks something struck me. You know I am a wandering generality, I cannot focus or keep goals no matter how much determination I have to start off with.
Granted I suppose I was quite content to work hard, have a nice house, drive a new car and live from bonus to bonus working in a global bank. Then fate dealt me (us) a terrible blow, we lost our baby and all of a sudden nothing was certain anymore, overnight and with broken heart it became clear that no matter how you plan for things- they can go wrong. Next month it will be 9 years and I am still looking for my purpose, yes I have learnt lessons and yes, I get by, but lets face it I have been running away. I live 11000 miles from the family who love me and supported us during the worst of the grief. I was in the bank for 8 years earning good money and threw it up for a couple of lousy temp jobs, even here in the UK I started out temping, got offers for permanent positions and left, so why now when I finaly find a job I love and had hoped to settle down in, there are budget constraints and last in first out so - sorry for you Trace. Well it all boils down to being a wandering generality, if the law of attraction is true and I know it is, then subconsciously I am constantly preparing to fail. It's like I was supposed to start a diet yesterday because I want to be healthier and with fewer aches and pains for our holiday in August and what did I do today? I ate more than did the whole of last week, I am not proud of myself and it feeds this endless cycle of failure my life has become. Zig also said that motivation is something you need daily like a bath, so the only alternative is to begin again listening to Zig and others who have motivated me, problem here is that I think almost everyone I know has one of my books, cd's or dvds. Silly me for wanting to spread the miraculous words of others.
Gonna have to start building up my library AGAIN.
In love and light
I was just about to log off now for the evening when I decided to check my Twitter account, I don't have many followers and I follow specific things, mainly inspirational quotes etc, but I also follow Tom Ziglar who is the son of Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker and one of the best I have ever heard or read. I love his stuff and have or should I say had all his talks on cd, anyway tonight there was this little video and I am really sorry that I don't know how to attach it here, but it's just a little animated thing about tweeting, the bonus for me was that it included a number of Zig's quotes, and one of them was " are you a wandering generality or a meaningful specific." I had bought a number of cd's directly from the States and living in Joburg I was really glad to actually receive them through the post. When I heard Zig say those words during one of his live talks something struck me. You know I am a wandering generality, I cannot focus or keep goals no matter how much determination I have to start off with.
Granted I suppose I was quite content to work hard, have a nice house, drive a new car and live from bonus to bonus working in a global bank. Then fate dealt me (us) a terrible blow, we lost our baby and all of a sudden nothing was certain anymore, overnight and with broken heart it became clear that no matter how you plan for things- they can go wrong. Next month it will be 9 years and I am still looking for my purpose, yes I have learnt lessons and yes, I get by, but lets face it I have been running away. I live 11000 miles from the family who love me and supported us during the worst of the grief. I was in the bank for 8 years earning good money and threw it up for a couple of lousy temp jobs, even here in the UK I started out temping, got offers for permanent positions and left, so why now when I finaly find a job I love and had hoped to settle down in, there are budget constraints and last in first out so - sorry for you Trace. Well it all boils down to being a wandering generality, if the law of attraction is true and I know it is, then subconsciously I am constantly preparing to fail. It's like I was supposed to start a diet yesterday because I want to be healthier and with fewer aches and pains for our holiday in August and what did I do today? I ate more than did the whole of last week, I am not proud of myself and it feeds this endless cycle of failure my life has become. Zig also said that motivation is something you need daily like a bath, so the only alternative is to begin again listening to Zig and others who have motivated me, problem here is that I think almost everyone I know has one of my books, cd's or dvds. Silly me for wanting to spread the miraculous words of others.
Gonna have to start building up my library AGAIN.
In love and light
Tuesday 29 March 2011
Month 3 Day 29
Good Afternoon
I must admit that I am feeling rather YUK today, I don't know if it's just because it's so close to the Easter break, or if it's because of the time change, buit I am feeling really down. I have also had the strangest of dreams.Warning!
Gavin (my brother) and I where rearranging corpes. Not just any corpes mind you, we were switching the corpse of Jesus and the corpse of Aunty Be. Jesus' body had not yet decomposed and as I touched the mark on his head were the thorns had pierced his skin, his beautiful blue eye proceeded to sink into his face and out his mouth. I must admit that except for Aunty Be's leg being bent at the knee (like she was getting ready to stand up) I do not know what state of decomposition she was in.
This brings two very delicate matters to my mind, firstly Gavin is shit scared of anything to do with death and dying and secondly surely Jesus doesn't have any earthly remains after ascending to heaven? I did say warning, it just kind of worries me that I remember the details so vividly even now some 12 hours later. Perhaps it's just Be's way of letting me know that she is safe and home with Jesus and his Father. Perhpas she is trying to tell me that Gavin is finally ready to let her go. Whatever the message I do believe it is from her and as I have said several times I know that she is up there with granny, grampa, her sisters and husband and my baby, and they are all looking after each and every one of us still on this plain.
Just thinking about it...
In love and light
I must admit that I am feeling rather YUK today, I don't know if it's just because it's so close to the Easter break, or if it's because of the time change, buit I am feeling really down. I have also had the strangest of dreams.Warning!
Gavin (my brother) and I where rearranging corpes. Not just any corpes mind you, we were switching the corpse of Jesus and the corpse of Aunty Be. Jesus' body had not yet decomposed and as I touched the mark on his head were the thorns had pierced his skin, his beautiful blue eye proceeded to sink into his face and out his mouth. I must admit that except for Aunty Be's leg being bent at the knee (like she was getting ready to stand up) I do not know what state of decomposition she was in.
This brings two very delicate matters to my mind, firstly Gavin is shit scared of anything to do with death and dying and secondly surely Jesus doesn't have any earthly remains after ascending to heaven? I did say warning, it just kind of worries me that I remember the details so vividly even now some 12 hours later. Perhaps it's just Be's way of letting me know that she is safe and home with Jesus and his Father. Perhpas she is trying to tell me that Gavin is finally ready to let her go. Whatever the message I do believe it is from her and as I have said several times I know that she is up there with granny, grampa, her sisters and husband and my baby, and they are all looking after each and every one of us still on this plain.
Just thinking about it...
In love and light
Wednesday 23 March 2011
Day 23 Month 3
Good Evening
What a glorious day today has been. The weather was spectacular and I got to spend a lot of it outside. After today's tap lesson I took the kids to the park and we enjoyed the rest of the lovely sunny day. My mom got home from the hospital today and she sounds really well considering she has to be on oxygen for 22 out of 24 hours in a day she sounds upbeat and happy to be home. Unfortunately there is still nothing they can do for her back so she is still in a lot of pain.
All in all though a marvelous day, I know things are only getting better from here.
In love and light.
What a glorious day today has been. The weather was spectacular and I got to spend a lot of it outside. After today's tap lesson I took the kids to the park and we enjoyed the rest of the lovely sunny day. My mom got home from the hospital today and she sounds really well considering she has to be on oxygen for 22 out of 24 hours in a day she sounds upbeat and happy to be home. Unfortunately there is still nothing they can do for her back so she is still in a lot of pain.
All in all though a marvelous day, I know things are only getting better from here.
In love and light.
Sunday 20 March 2011
Month 3 Day 20
Hello on a very lazy Sunday evening.
Let's just say that I am enjoying a day at home. I have not been out all day. I cooked us a roast for lunch which my kids love and Rob did all the running around. He and K went for their karate grading yesterday and C and I baked cookies. They were good and they are now all gone (arh!). We then watch RED with Bruce Willis and John Malkovich, it was excellent, Rob and I had a good laugh. It was good fun movie, so watch it if you can.
I have been playing a little scrabble and enjoying my time at home, the lunch dishes are all done and the ironing is done too, hooray.
Waiting for my evening telly to begin and almost time to put the kids to bed, I say that while Rob is snoring on the bed next to me. I hope your Sunday has been as content and peaceful as mine.
In love and light.
Let's just say that I am enjoying a day at home. I have not been out all day. I cooked us a roast for lunch which my kids love and Rob did all the running around. He and K went for their karate grading yesterday and C and I baked cookies. They were good and they are now all gone (arh!). We then watch RED with Bruce Willis and John Malkovich, it was excellent, Rob and I had a good laugh. It was good fun movie, so watch it if you can.
I have been playing a little scrabble and enjoying my time at home, the lunch dishes are all done and the ironing is done too, hooray.
Waiting for my evening telly to begin and almost time to put the kids to bed, I say that while Rob is snoring on the bed next to me. I hope your Sunday has been as content and peaceful as mine.
In love and light.
Thursday 17 March 2011
Month 3 Day 17
Good Evening
I must admit that I have been feeling so sorry for myself lately that I have deliberately not watched the news with all the death and destruction in Japan. However I did catch the news tonight and was so horrified at the conditions of the survivors, I cried, I felt terrible that I could be so selfish. Tonight we had left overs for dinner. I made spaghetti on Tuesday night and there was more than enough left over for tonight. However in a queue in Japan people where waiting in a most dignified manner for a small ball of rice that was supposed to feed 2. My kids ate their dinner, I dished up for Rob and myself and there was still some in the pot. The clip then switched to a hospital, where the majority of the patients were elderly, the doctor has been awake for 3 days and the patients are starving. Yes my mom is in hospital, she is getting care from a rested staff and 3 meals a day. This kind of puts my problems into some perspective.
Tonight I will be lighting a candle and praying for all those people in Japan affected by this disaster.
May aid arrive quickly and I will also be praying for forgiveness for myself.
In love and light.
I must admit that I have been feeling so sorry for myself lately that I have deliberately not watched the news with all the death and destruction in Japan. However I did catch the news tonight and was so horrified at the conditions of the survivors, I cried, I felt terrible that I could be so selfish. Tonight we had left overs for dinner. I made spaghetti on Tuesday night and there was more than enough left over for tonight. However in a queue in Japan people where waiting in a most dignified manner for a small ball of rice that was supposed to feed 2. My kids ate their dinner, I dished up for Rob and myself and there was still some in the pot. The clip then switched to a hospital, where the majority of the patients were elderly, the doctor has been awake for 3 days and the patients are starving. Yes my mom is in hospital, she is getting care from a rested staff and 3 meals a day. This kind of puts my problems into some perspective.
Tonight I will be lighting a candle and praying for all those people in Japan affected by this disaster.
May aid arrive quickly and I will also be praying for forgiveness for myself.
In love and light.
Wednesday 16 March 2011
Month 3 Day 16
Hello One and All.
Just to fill you in since it has been a while since I last bothered to write.
1. I have submitted my childrens story for a competition.
2. We spent a fabulous day in London on Saturday visiting the V&A museum of Childhood, it was great to see that so many toys have survived through the ages. The kids had fun dressing up, and playing with all the goodies left out for them, of course the real good toys are all behind glass. Next we visited the Imperial War Museum which was marvelous and all I kept thinking of was my brother and how he could spend 10 days in the museum and still be interested in everything. I only wish I had more time to spend in the Holocaust exhibition, to see the pain that some inflicted on others was heartbreaking and knowing that somewhere somehow, my grandfather's cousins, aunties or uncles where subjected to such humiliation and pain. It was horrible to see and I was not the only person visibly upset by it.
3. My mother is not at all well and in the hospital, her heart is in a bad way and as a result her kidneys are also in a very bad way, to make matters worse she had a fall a few months ago and the doctor at the A& E told her it was just a bruise. The doctor looking after her now tells her, the break in the 12th vertibrae is clearly visible. So I am majorly (and please excuse the language) fucked off. You know I am a big believer in karma, what goes around comes around, but I know my mom and except for being a little bit bitter at the way her life has turned out, she has never intentionally harmed anyone. So trying to justify the physical pain she is in is hard. Anyway on a good note I have been speaking to her daily and besides being tired she is doing better.
4. I don't have a job from September 2011. I was really hoping after three years of volunteering and training I could settle down where I am now. Not going to happen - the budget cuts are now personally affecting me - so besides worrying about my mom I now have to start looking for a new job, AARG!
So after re-reading this it sometimes helps to feel sorry for yourself!
In love and light.
Just to fill you in since it has been a while since I last bothered to write.
1. I have submitted my childrens story for a competition.
2. We spent a fabulous day in London on Saturday visiting the V&A museum of Childhood, it was great to see that so many toys have survived through the ages. The kids had fun dressing up, and playing with all the goodies left out for them, of course the real good toys are all behind glass. Next we visited the Imperial War Museum which was marvelous and all I kept thinking of was my brother and how he could spend 10 days in the museum and still be interested in everything. I only wish I had more time to spend in the Holocaust exhibition, to see the pain that some inflicted on others was heartbreaking and knowing that somewhere somehow, my grandfather's cousins, aunties or uncles where subjected to such humiliation and pain. It was horrible to see and I was not the only person visibly upset by it.
3. My mother is not at all well and in the hospital, her heart is in a bad way and as a result her kidneys are also in a very bad way, to make matters worse she had a fall a few months ago and the doctor at the A& E told her it was just a bruise. The doctor looking after her now tells her, the break in the 12th vertibrae is clearly visible. So I am majorly (and please excuse the language) fucked off. You know I am a big believer in karma, what goes around comes around, but I know my mom and except for being a little bit bitter at the way her life has turned out, she has never intentionally harmed anyone. So trying to justify the physical pain she is in is hard. Anyway on a good note I have been speaking to her daily and besides being tired she is doing better.
4. I don't have a job from September 2011. I was really hoping after three years of volunteering and training I could settle down where I am now. Not going to happen - the budget cuts are now personally affecting me - so besides worrying about my mom I now have to start looking for a new job, AARG!
So after re-reading this it sometimes helps to feel sorry for yourself!
In love and light.
Friday 4 March 2011
Day4 Month 3 - Friday - hooray
I know, I know it's been a while since I wrote and so much for writing everyday, but like I said I'm no longer sweating the small stuff, I am so chuffed today let me tell you why.
Today the kids' passports arrived, I got a letter to say I need to go for an interview to confirm my identification. I am so amazed because the passport applications where only sent off on Monday this week, 28 February to 4 March and I have two of three passports. I called to make my appointment and had to mention that one part of our address was wrongly typed, in a total of 20 Minutes I had spoken directly to the person dealing with my application. All sorted, another call and 5 minutes later I have an appointment for an interview, how long do you think I need to wait for the interview? 2 weeks? 2 Months? 12 Hours, yes tomorrow morning I am going to an office closest to my post code, for an interview. Once complete I will have my new British passport within 7-10 days.
Compare this with trying to get my South African Passport, fill in forms, stand in queue (for 2 hours) see an "official" go and wait in another queue to have finger prints done (another 2 hours), then go and pay - yet another queue, and yes another 2 hours. Leave smelly and frustrated, go home and wait, 6 weeks (average) 12 weeks later letter comes in the post, go back to smelly home affairs office and wait in a queue, and wait and wait and wait. Walk out two hours later with passport and promise to bring the "official" a bottle of whiskey. "Official" will never see me again and next time I'll risk going into Johannesburg, rather than going to Germiston.
So needless to say I am very impressed at the efficiency of this particular governmental department.
To all of you back home in SA let me just say "NAH, Nah Nah nah NAH!!!!"
In love and light.
Today the kids' passports arrived, I got a letter to say I need to go for an interview to confirm my identification. I am so amazed because the passport applications where only sent off on Monday this week, 28 February to 4 March and I have two of three passports. I called to make my appointment and had to mention that one part of our address was wrongly typed, in a total of 20 Minutes I had spoken directly to the person dealing with my application. All sorted, another call and 5 minutes later I have an appointment for an interview, how long do you think I need to wait for the interview? 2 weeks? 2 Months? 12 Hours, yes tomorrow morning I am going to an office closest to my post code, for an interview. Once complete I will have my new British passport within 7-10 days.
Compare this with trying to get my South African Passport, fill in forms, stand in queue (for 2 hours) see an "official" go and wait in another queue to have finger prints done (another 2 hours), then go and pay - yet another queue, and yes another 2 hours. Leave smelly and frustrated, go home and wait, 6 weeks (average) 12 weeks later letter comes in the post, go back to smelly home affairs office and wait in a queue, and wait and wait and wait. Walk out two hours later with passport and promise to bring the "official" a bottle of whiskey. "Official" will never see me again and next time I'll risk going into Johannesburg, rather than going to Germiston.
So needless to say I am very impressed at the efficiency of this particular governmental department.
To all of you back home in SA let me just say "NAH, Nah Nah nah NAH!!!!"
In love and light.
Sunday 27 February 2011
Day27 Month 2 - Lay your burdens down
I know that sometimes what I believe can seem a little dodgy and mixed up, but there is something I gain from going to a Christian church and being active within that church. As you may well know for over two months I have been suffering from recurring bronchitis. Essentially I have had pneumonia. I saw a new doctor and after two weeks of "rest" and antibiotics, the lung is now finally clear. I feel better than I have felt in a very long time and am actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow because I know that I will cope with a bunch of 9 year olds better than I have for a while. Anyway, todays message was about our worries, the burdens we carry. In my writing I refer to this as baggage.
Last night I had trouble sleeping and often when I can't sleep I remember all those people who have (to my mind) done me wrong, I lay awake for the thousandth time wondering what I would do if I ever got revenge. It's silly because I am the one loosing sleep, not them. So lo and behold I am stunned that the message in church today is aimed directly at me (not for the first time mind you).
Lay your burdens down, release them to me and rest. Rest and release my worries, this was the message I got from my doctor, I listened and I am cured. Surely then by the very virtue of my faith I should listen to God and lay my burdens down, if my Dr. can make me feel this good in two weeks and she a mere mortal, imagine how fabulous I can feel and what I can accomplish in releasing my burdens to our Creator.
Today's message was also very intimate based on the fact that our minister is swapping places with a minister from Christchurch, he said that he has been asked if he if afraid to go given the recent earthquakes, his answer he said was no, because he believes that he is going to be exactly where God needs him to be and perhaps it is an opportunity for that minister to come to us and rest. Lay his burdens down, put their worries and fears into the hands of Jesus, I guess that with all my searching it is this kind of faith that I am looking for. I want to be able to believe so wholeheartedly in something that I can lay my burdens down and rest knowing that I am safe secure in the hands of our Creator.
In light and love.
Last night I had trouble sleeping and often when I can't sleep I remember all those people who have (to my mind) done me wrong, I lay awake for the thousandth time wondering what I would do if I ever got revenge. It's silly because I am the one loosing sleep, not them. So lo and behold I am stunned that the message in church today is aimed directly at me (not for the first time mind you).
Lay your burdens down, release them to me and rest. Rest and release my worries, this was the message I got from my doctor, I listened and I am cured. Surely then by the very virtue of my faith I should listen to God and lay my burdens down, if my Dr. can make me feel this good in two weeks and she a mere mortal, imagine how fabulous I can feel and what I can accomplish in releasing my burdens to our Creator.
Today's message was also very intimate based on the fact that our minister is swapping places with a minister from Christchurch, he said that he has been asked if he if afraid to go given the recent earthquakes, his answer he said was no, because he believes that he is going to be exactly where God needs him to be and perhaps it is an opportunity for that minister to come to us and rest. Lay his burdens down, put their worries and fears into the hands of Jesus, I guess that with all my searching it is this kind of faith that I am looking for. I want to be able to believe so wholeheartedly in something that I can lay my burdens down and rest knowing that I am safe secure in the hands of our Creator.
In light and love.
Wednesday 23 February 2011
Day 22 Month 2 - Thoughts and Prayers for Family and Friends
It is with great sorrow and relief that I write today. The Earthquakes in New Zealand have now eventually caused death and a number of people are waiting to be resuced from the rubble. Thank goodness my immediate family are in Aukland and on the other island. Unfortunately Rob's cousin Lara and her daughter are stuck in the thick of it. Lara managed to escape from her office and set to work helping to free a family from their second floor flat which was according to Lara is now a 1st floor flat. She is home today with her daughter and describes herself as scared.
Now this is a women who, like all great women, refuses to be a victim and takes control of her life. So for her to say that she is frightened certainly makes the magnitude of the event clear to me.
Even on the South Island the emotional distress is evident in FB status' and comments. So please join me in lighting a candle and praying that there will be fewer fatalies than expected and that in the very least all those missing will be found. If nothing else to bring those families some closure. Let us also pray for the country to have speedy recovery from the disaster. I will also be praying for all the people there and arriving to help rescue people from the rubble. I just simply believe that at times like these collective power of prayer brings resolution. So as I said prayer is now the MOST we can do and definately not the least we can do.
In light and love
Now this is a women who, like all great women, refuses to be a victim and takes control of her life. So for her to say that she is frightened certainly makes the magnitude of the event clear to me.
Even on the South Island the emotional distress is evident in FB status' and comments. So please join me in lighting a candle and praying that there will be fewer fatalies than expected and that in the very least all those missing will be found. If nothing else to bring those families some closure. Let us also pray for the country to have speedy recovery from the disaster. I will also be praying for all the people there and arriving to help rescue people from the rubble. I just simply believe that at times like these collective power of prayer brings resolution. So as I said prayer is now the MOST we can do and definately not the least we can do.
In light and love
Tuesday 22 February 2011
Day 22 Month 2 - Is there no doubt?
Last night I invited my best friend for dinner with her family, it's convenient because her middle son is K's best friend, actually this family has become like my family since all my family is in SA. We got to talking about religion as we all very active within our church.
When asked what I believe in, I had to admit some of what I believe is not what is taught in the mainstream, and may offend a few people. However we discussed things like faith, intuition, angels etc.
I have a great affinity with angels and use their guidance regularly, I do this using angel cards. These are used more as a prompt for me to give you assistance. The reason for this is obvious, I do not have enough faith in myself, and it was this message that I got from my friends, they too struggle with what is considered correct in religion. I brought out my cards and had I transfer his energy into the cards, touching them shuffling them etc, then I said that I believe we are all intuitive and have learned to ignore or discount those "gut" feelings. I got him to put out three cards. The cards could not have been more accurate had I deliberately set it up. The angels proved once again that they are with us and around us simply waiting for us to ask them for help.
It was a great evening and it was lovely to learn a little more about how someone else believes.
Again just another thing re-inforcing the direction of my writing.
In love and light.
When asked what I believe in, I had to admit some of what I believe is not what is taught in the mainstream, and may offend a few people. However we discussed things like faith, intuition, angels etc.
I have a great affinity with angels and use their guidance regularly, I do this using angel cards. These are used more as a prompt for me to give you assistance. The reason for this is obvious, I do not have enough faith in myself, and it was this message that I got from my friends, they too struggle with what is considered correct in religion. I brought out my cards and had I transfer his energy into the cards, touching them shuffling them etc, then I said that I believe we are all intuitive and have learned to ignore or discount those "gut" feelings. I got him to put out three cards. The cards could not have been more accurate had I deliberately set it up. The angels proved once again that they are with us and around us simply waiting for us to ask them for help.
It was a great evening and it was lovely to learn a little more about how someone else believes.
Again just another thing re-inforcing the direction of my writing.
In love and light.
Saturday 19 February 2011
Day 19 Month 2 - Transendentalism
Transendentalism.
(Wiki Answers - 19 February 2011) " To Transcendent means to rise above the self, the ego & the mind to higher states of consciousness. Transcendentalism isnt a religion in itself but a logical & rational ideal that can be applied to religion itself. It seems to be a mix of literature, religion, culture and philosophy. Its main philosophy emphasizing the intuitive and spiritual above the material."
I have spent a lot of time reading and writing this week. The above is the most profound thing I have ever read. One of the main authors of Transendentalism is Ralph Waldo Emerson, now I have read quite a bit of his work, but had no idea that there was a name for his typpe of philisophy. On Thursday I sat in the library and usually my interest is in the spiritual. I was intuitively drawn to the philosophy section, ran my hands over a number of titles and simply "plucked" a book off the shelf.
I took it back to the little table I was working on and opened it without thought for what I was looking for. Scanning the text there were words like - Intuition and Metaphysical. I stopped, went back to the top of the page and read it slowly. It was a small introduction to Ralph Waldo Emerson and his philosophy. What a breakthrough in my research. I now have an exact direction in which to point my writing. I am sure that what I believe in is a mixture of many things and I there is a lot still to learn, but the fact that thousands of men have been feeling lost and finding direction in a similar manner to myself now give me even more hope that I can assist someone else, who can enjoy a sense of relief in knowing that others have overcome the same guilt over going against the normal teachings of todays society.
In love and light.
(Wiki Answers - 19 February 2011) " To Transcendent means to rise above the self, the ego & the mind to higher states of consciousness. Transcendentalism isnt a religion in itself but a logical & rational ideal that can be applied to religion itself. It seems to be a mix of literature, religion, culture and philosophy. Its main philosophy emphasizing the intuitive and spiritual above the material."
I have spent a lot of time reading and writing this week. The above is the most profound thing I have ever read. One of the main authors of Transendentalism is Ralph Waldo Emerson, now I have read quite a bit of his work, but had no idea that there was a name for his typpe of philisophy. On Thursday I sat in the library and usually my interest is in the spiritual. I was intuitively drawn to the philosophy section, ran my hands over a number of titles and simply "plucked" a book off the shelf.
I took it back to the little table I was working on and opened it without thought for what I was looking for. Scanning the text there were words like - Intuition and Metaphysical. I stopped, went back to the top of the page and read it slowly. It was a small introduction to Ralph Waldo Emerson and his philosophy. What a breakthrough in my research. I now have an exact direction in which to point my writing. I am sure that what I believe in is a mixture of many things and I there is a lot still to learn, but the fact that thousands of men have been feeling lost and finding direction in a similar manner to myself now give me even more hope that I can assist someone else, who can enjoy a sense of relief in knowing that others have overcome the same guilt over going against the normal teachings of todays society.
In love and light.
Wednesday 16 February 2011
Day16 Month 2 - Super Citizens
Every year for the 2 weeks before February half term,the school the kids attend does a "focus fortnight". The first year K was there the theme for the 2 weeks was Fitness. Last year the theme was Drama and Dance and this year it's "super Citizens".
Very apt since we are fairly newly sworn in as citizens of this fabulous country. Anyway the kids have had to help me with chores and they have had various visitors who are super citizens, the vets, a doctor, plumbers etc, etc. Today they had the local Beavers scout master in and the kids could wear their Beaver/ Scout/ rainbows/ guides uniforms. The reason I mention this is because regardless of the weather which let's face it is usually lousy, the Scout Master wears shorts. We have yet to actually see him in a pair of trousers with long legs. Before Christmas we went to Paulton's Park (for those of you abroad this is an amusement park geared pretty for children under 7 years and although they have some amazing rides for grown ups the bulk of the attractions are for the smaller ones), December was the coldest it has been here in something like 15 years and yes Beaver scout master was wearing his shorts.
If he wore long socks his uniform would look like those hideous safari suits that were all the rage in SA in the seventies, and still the preferred method of dress for most Free State farmers (or is Mpumalanga farmers).
Anyway just thought I'd share this amusing little bit of information and say that even without a card to prove to their teachers - my children are super citizens, and I love them more every day.
In love and light.
Very apt since we are fairly newly sworn in as citizens of this fabulous country. Anyway the kids have had to help me with chores and they have had various visitors who are super citizens, the vets, a doctor, plumbers etc, etc. Today they had the local Beavers scout master in and the kids could wear their Beaver/ Scout/ rainbows/ guides uniforms. The reason I mention this is because regardless of the weather which let's face it is usually lousy, the Scout Master wears shorts. We have yet to actually see him in a pair of trousers with long legs. Before Christmas we went to Paulton's Park (for those of you abroad this is an amusement park geared pretty for children under 7 years and although they have some amazing rides for grown ups the bulk of the attractions are for the smaller ones), December was the coldest it has been here in something like 15 years and yes Beaver scout master was wearing his shorts.
If he wore long socks his uniform would look like those hideous safari suits that were all the rage in SA in the seventies, and still the preferred method of dress for most Free State farmers (or is Mpumalanga farmers).
Anyway just thought I'd share this amusing little bit of information and say that even without a card to prove to their teachers - my children are super citizens, and I love them more every day.
In love and light.
Tuesday 15 February 2011
Day15 Month 2
Well I know I've been quiet for a little while, but I have been reading through all my writing and trying to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. I have also spent much of the day resting as prescribed by my Doctor and believe it or not started writing. I went to a coffee shop, with 10 stamps on my loyalty card decided to enjoy a lovely large latte gratis.
Not only did I sit and enjoy a coffee, but I also put pen to paper and began jotting down some more ideas, when I eventually lifted my head from the notebook it was just before 3pm and time to fetch the kids. I did not realise until I looked back that I had written four full pages. In proper sentences with notes to annotate, add, and check information.
I read that writing a book is a full time job, God it would be great if that's all I had to do (I think). It would also be great if 4 pages of written script became 4 pages of typed script, but unfortunatley no. Maybe that's the disheartening thing that keeps me from actually completing a book. Now you'd say "type it straight away". I'd have to say NO! The words seem flow more effortlessly from a pen onto paper than tapping my fingers on a keyboard. It's strange isn't it. The other reason I am going to say NO! is because I can see it in my writing when I've got excited about an idea, yes my writing changes the pressure of the pen adjusts on the page and I can see when an idea is something I am not sure of because the writing on the page itself seems hesitant, lighter than the rest and more spaced out. So I guess it's just about keeping going, reading and researching and writing. ( The 3 R's in my quest for completion.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
In love and light.
Not only did I sit and enjoy a coffee, but I also put pen to paper and began jotting down some more ideas, when I eventually lifted my head from the notebook it was just before 3pm and time to fetch the kids. I did not realise until I looked back that I had written four full pages. In proper sentences with notes to annotate, add, and check information.
I read that writing a book is a full time job, God it would be great if that's all I had to do (I think). It would also be great if 4 pages of written script became 4 pages of typed script, but unfortunatley no. Maybe that's the disheartening thing that keeps me from actually completing a book. Now you'd say "type it straight away". I'd have to say NO! The words seem flow more effortlessly from a pen onto paper than tapping my fingers on a keyboard. It's strange isn't it. The other reason I am going to say NO! is because I can see it in my writing when I've got excited about an idea, yes my writing changes the pressure of the pen adjusts on the page and I can see when an idea is something I am not sure of because the writing on the page itself seems hesitant, lighter than the rest and more spaced out. So I guess it's just about keeping going, reading and researching and writing. ( The 3 R's in my quest for completion.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
In love and light.
Saturday 12 February 2011
Day 12 Month 2
I have gathered together all my writing and I can't believe some of the crap I've written. I can see exactly how I was feeling and the efforts I've made to stay off medication for depression using positive thinking. I guess - while absolute nonsense sometimes, this in itself is a good thing because I know exactly how I felt and can capitalise on it for my writing. I have been given the next week off work due to my chest and think I'll use this time alone (at least while the kids are at school) to concentrate on writing something really special. On days when I feel this blog is particularly good I'm also going to post it in the comments Hay House, this is a publishing company that publishes self help books.
Louise Hay the founder of this company cured herself from cancer, and overcame abuse over most of her life. I love reading her books and if nothing else get yourself "You can heal your life". I think it was this book and "The power of positive thinking" that got me interested in and opened my eyes to the need there is for people who want to be better, to go to someone else or see something through someone elses eyes.
Just my thought for today.
In love and light
Louise Hay the founder of this company cured herself from cancer, and overcame abuse over most of her life. I love reading her books and if nothing else get yourself "You can heal your life". I think it was this book and "The power of positive thinking" that got me interested in and opened my eyes to the need there is for people who want to be better, to go to someone else or see something through someone elses eyes.
Just my thought for today.
In love and light
Friday 11 February 2011
Day 11 Month 2 - What I need. Continued
The Major difference between a wish list and a goals list is that wishes are never finite. Ideally what I want is to create a list that I can see my progress on. I once heard someone say that you should "keep your goals in concrete but the route to achieving them in the sand" or something like that. I am going to create a goals list that has an indefinate action to achievement and a final stead fast achievement date.
The problem with getting an idea like this is that I get all fired up and want to make a list and then the achievement dates are really unrealistic. I know that if I miss a deadline, I am going to get dispondent then loose interest, the other thing I need to worry about is that I don't over-extend the achievement dates and loose interest or get bored, knowing myself, like only I do, it's these things that usually keep me from achieving my goals.
I am going to jot down a few of the things I want to be.
1. I want to be a best selling author.
2. I want to be a great mother and wife.
Now what do I want to have?
1. Two happy, healthy children
2. A happy household in a lovely period style house where the family is happy and carefree
3. A million pounds in the bank.
Moving away from writing of the past I feel that I can elaborate on these goals.
A best selling author - time and time again, I have tried to keep my interest long enought to have a decent amount of writing, but thinking about it, if I transcribed all my writing into a document and then sort it out into some clarifying order, I probably have enough ink on paper to have a book, a best seller though? I guess someone else will have to be the judge of that.
A great mother and wife - no-one ever tells you what the responsibility of raising kids is really like. You only hear how wonderful they are, I must admit that I am really struggling with being a great mom, and I judge myself very harshly in this respect I worry about the emotional well being far more than their physical well being because let's face my kids have everything they need by way of clothes and food and toys and education, but what damage am I doing? I shout and say mean things sometimes and although quick to apologise and cuddle my children, in that moment where I am not thinking I am truely worried about screwing them up. On the wife front, however I have a marvelous husband who puts up with a lot of my nonsense and sticks around because as much as I do not believe it myself, he loves me.
Two happy, healthy children - I like to think - probably naively - that most of the time my children are happy and thank goodness they are very healthy. I am always truely amazed at their capacity to forgive and give unconditional love.
A happy household in a lovely preiod style house where the family is happy and carefree - This stems from a not so deep rooted resentment that we are still renting a house, I do not call it home because we have been unable to make it a home, we have not been allowed to put holes in the walls so we have been unable to hang any of the things we so dearly loved when we were in SA. Family photos, Robs autographed sports shirts, these took pride of place in every room in our home in Jhb. We are unable to have pets, hell we are not even allowed to paint over the colour of despair (a grey of some discription) in the entrance hall.
A million pounds in the bank - Wouldn't that just solve every single physical need/ issue? I know it's probably unrealistic but then that's my ego wondering where we'd get it from, and that proves that I really have no true belief in the power of the universe to deliver it. A million pounds in the bank though would not help me to emotionally support my children, with an instict to give them what they want to keep them physically happy, this amount of money will probably screw things up even more.
In love and light.
The problem with getting an idea like this is that I get all fired up and want to make a list and then the achievement dates are really unrealistic. I know that if I miss a deadline, I am going to get dispondent then loose interest, the other thing I need to worry about is that I don't over-extend the achievement dates and loose interest or get bored, knowing myself, like only I do, it's these things that usually keep me from achieving my goals.
I am going to jot down a few of the things I want to be.
1. I want to be a best selling author.
2. I want to be a great mother and wife.
Now what do I want to have?
1. Two happy, healthy children
2. A happy household in a lovely period style house where the family is happy and carefree
3. A million pounds in the bank.
Moving away from writing of the past I feel that I can elaborate on these goals.
A best selling author - time and time again, I have tried to keep my interest long enought to have a decent amount of writing, but thinking about it, if I transcribed all my writing into a document and then sort it out into some clarifying order, I probably have enough ink on paper to have a book, a best seller though? I guess someone else will have to be the judge of that.
A great mother and wife - no-one ever tells you what the responsibility of raising kids is really like. You only hear how wonderful they are, I must admit that I am really struggling with being a great mom, and I judge myself very harshly in this respect I worry about the emotional well being far more than their physical well being because let's face my kids have everything they need by way of clothes and food and toys and education, but what damage am I doing? I shout and say mean things sometimes and although quick to apologise and cuddle my children, in that moment where I am not thinking I am truely worried about screwing them up. On the wife front, however I have a marvelous husband who puts up with a lot of my nonsense and sticks around because as much as I do not believe it myself, he loves me.
Two happy, healthy children - I like to think - probably naively - that most of the time my children are happy and thank goodness they are very healthy. I am always truely amazed at their capacity to forgive and give unconditional love.
A happy household in a lovely preiod style house where the family is happy and carefree - This stems from a not so deep rooted resentment that we are still renting a house, I do not call it home because we have been unable to make it a home, we have not been allowed to put holes in the walls so we have been unable to hang any of the things we so dearly loved when we were in SA. Family photos, Robs autographed sports shirts, these took pride of place in every room in our home in Jhb. We are unable to have pets, hell we are not even allowed to paint over the colour of despair (a grey of some discription) in the entrance hall.
A million pounds in the bank - Wouldn't that just solve every single physical need/ issue? I know it's probably unrealistic but then that's my ego wondering where we'd get it from, and that proves that I really have no true belief in the power of the universe to deliver it. A million pounds in the bank though would not help me to emotionally support my children, with an instict to give them what they want to keep them physically happy, this amount of money will probably screw things up even more.
In love and light.
Thursday 10 February 2011
Day 10 Month 2 - What I need
I have had a rather down day, today I took the day off work and went to see the Doctor, this is not a new thing because since before Christmas I have been coughing. I had one bout of bronchitas and then another and after x-rays and sputum checks - which were normal - I have still been coughing, only now, I have no sense of smell and my ears hurt. The doctor today has told me that I have YET another bout of bronchitas and have been prescribed a third batch of anti-biotics.
So I asked the doctor am I feeling down and unable to cope because of the infection or is the infection not healing because I am feeling down and unable to cope. Honestly, they don't know and we will have to see how I feel after this batch of anti-biotics.
However feeling down is not something new to me and when I am down I seem to have remarkable moments of clarity, especially since I like to write things down. I have on this desk some writing, I have in my bag a book which periodically get's pulled out and scribbled in and in the car I have two books which have been written in, in times when I have simply had nothing better to do. I looked at a page that I wrote a while ago (no date on my writing) and I must have been reading one or other self help book at the time but this was written well before I read Paul McKenna. So let me share a snippet with you. Only because I usually feel down when the victim part of my ego rears it's ugly head and being in the imortal words of that crazy german songstress from Blazing Saddles "Tired of being so tired.".
What do I need to know right now to make my life and myself perfect?
This is a huge question and the answer is so complex that it's probably going to take me forever to answer it but here goes.
Wow, this really making me think long and hard because the first thing I did was ask myself what do I already know?
I am fairly well educated, and very well read, so I would consider myself quite intelligent, but there have been lots of successful people who are really not well educated nor well read, so what did they do in their lives to achieve success or at least what I feel is their achievement of success?
These days every life coach and inspirational speaker is saying that you can do, be or have everything you want in life. It seems then like a fair assumption that if I have everything I want, everything I want to do, have and be must be the answer to my initial question.
The answer then is not so complex, because then all I need to know is what do I want to do? What do I want to be? What do I want to have? So once I have all this information, I should be on my way to perfection. In simpler terms I am going to have to make a list, of things I want to do, be and have, and in true life coach style I am going to call it a goals list and not a wish list.
Join us again tomorrow for a gripping installment
In love and light.
So I asked the doctor am I feeling down and unable to cope because of the infection or is the infection not healing because I am feeling down and unable to cope. Honestly, they don't know and we will have to see how I feel after this batch of anti-biotics.
However feeling down is not something new to me and when I am down I seem to have remarkable moments of clarity, especially since I like to write things down. I have on this desk some writing, I have in my bag a book which periodically get's pulled out and scribbled in and in the car I have two books which have been written in, in times when I have simply had nothing better to do. I looked at a page that I wrote a while ago (no date on my writing) and I must have been reading one or other self help book at the time but this was written well before I read Paul McKenna. So let me share a snippet with you. Only because I usually feel down when the victim part of my ego rears it's ugly head and being in the imortal words of that crazy german songstress from Blazing Saddles "Tired of being so tired.".
What do I need to know right now to make my life and myself perfect?
This is a huge question and the answer is so complex that it's probably going to take me forever to answer it but here goes.
Wow, this really making me think long and hard because the first thing I did was ask myself what do I already know?
I am fairly well educated, and very well read, so I would consider myself quite intelligent, but there have been lots of successful people who are really not well educated nor well read, so what did they do in their lives to achieve success or at least what I feel is their achievement of success?
These days every life coach and inspirational speaker is saying that you can do, be or have everything you want in life. It seems then like a fair assumption that if I have everything I want, everything I want to do, have and be must be the answer to my initial question.
The answer then is not so complex, because then all I need to know is what do I want to do? What do I want to be? What do I want to have? So once I have all this information, I should be on my way to perfection. In simpler terms I am going to have to make a list, of things I want to do, be and have, and in true life coach style I am going to call it a goals list and not a wish list.
Join us again tomorrow for a gripping installment
In love and light.
Monday 7 February 2011
Day 7 Month 2 - a broken heart
Well, I am back, but unfortunately it is with a broken heart. For all my excitement and bragging about climbing the rock wall, I have found out today that it was far less than 20 metres high. In fact it was only about 8 metres high, I feel kind of deflated believe me it definately looked as high as 20 metres when I was hanging onto the knot for dear life at the top.
Is it right to judge oneself so harshly? I am still amazed at my accomplishment but feel it would be worth more had the wall been higher. I suppose this means that I am going to have to do it again. It's a bit like riding a roller coaster, the second time is worse because you anticipate the drops and sharp turns rather than letting them take you by surprise.
So the question today is why do some of us take things so badly while others are able to simply shrug their shoulders, smile and move on? I'm guessing it's got something to do with that damn ego. It's important for my ego that I be seen in a good light, saving face and apologising for the exaggeration.
Here goes.... I Tracey Brown do sincerely apologise for the misrepresentation of my accomplishment. Shit I still don't feel any better, but would feel infinately worse had one of you (who read my blog) actually commented on the fact that a 20 metre tall indoor rock climbing wall isn't likely to be found on school grounds.
In love and light.
Is it right to judge oneself so harshly? I am still amazed at my accomplishment but feel it would be worth more had the wall been higher. I suppose this means that I am going to have to do it again. It's a bit like riding a roller coaster, the second time is worse because you anticipate the drops and sharp turns rather than letting them take you by surprise.
So the question today is why do some of us take things so badly while others are able to simply shrug their shoulders, smile and move on? I'm guessing it's got something to do with that damn ego. It's important for my ego that I be seen in a good light, saving face and apologising for the exaggeration.
Here goes.... I Tracey Brown do sincerely apologise for the misrepresentation of my accomplishment. Shit I still don't feel any better, but would feel infinately worse had one of you (who read my blog) actually commented on the fact that a 20 metre tall indoor rock climbing wall isn't likely to be found on school grounds.
In love and light.
Thursday 3 February 2011
Day3 Month2 - Change
Following on from yesterday, I must tell you that quieting your mind should go along with accepting change. I know that I prefer everything to be done in a specific order and to a specific standard all the time. I am also very routinised, however working with children I know that they tend to thrive in a routinised environment, this however does not prepare them for the real world where as much as you try to predict what's happening and what's going to happen next, there is usually something that "throws a spanner in the works" or causes the proverbial "shit to hit the fan".
So how do we accept change? For some it's a process similar to mourning. You go through the denial, then you go through the anger and finally you get to acceptance. Having first hand knowledge of the grieving process I can tell you that this is usually a very selfish time, trying to come to terms with change is a selfish thing. Why? Well very simply because it is happening to you, and your EGO is very bruised. Here in the UK currently the government is trying to cut the deficit, there are thousands of people at risk and very unexpectedly the economy did not grow in December. These are now circumstances that those at risk as individuals cannot control.
Many of these people who properly prepare themselves will be able to move on quickly, while others may not, but when all is said and done and the grieving process is over, most if not all will be able to find something good that has come out of the change.
This is why I try to shift goal posts, and I try to stay out of a comfort zone, I have a quick temper and yet I have chosen to work in an environment where my language both verbal and non-verbal are to be kept in strict check all the time, this keeps me on my toes and more able to change. So my challenge for you today is to CHANGE something, don't quit your job (unless you have another one) but you know walk into a different supermarket, put your watch on the wrong arm, do something small to remind you how hard change can be and prepare yourself for change because one day it will happen to you and being ready to accept the change will make it so much easier to bear.
In love and light.
So how do we accept change? For some it's a process similar to mourning. You go through the denial, then you go through the anger and finally you get to acceptance. Having first hand knowledge of the grieving process I can tell you that this is usually a very selfish time, trying to come to terms with change is a selfish thing. Why? Well very simply because it is happening to you, and your EGO is very bruised. Here in the UK currently the government is trying to cut the deficit, there are thousands of people at risk and very unexpectedly the economy did not grow in December. These are now circumstances that those at risk as individuals cannot control.
Many of these people who properly prepare themselves will be able to move on quickly, while others may not, but when all is said and done and the grieving process is over, most if not all will be able to find something good that has come out of the change.
This is why I try to shift goal posts, and I try to stay out of a comfort zone, I have a quick temper and yet I have chosen to work in an environment where my language both verbal and non-verbal are to be kept in strict check all the time, this keeps me on my toes and more able to change. So my challenge for you today is to CHANGE something, don't quit your job (unless you have another one) but you know walk into a different supermarket, put your watch on the wrong arm, do something small to remind you how hard change can be and prepare yourself for change because one day it will happen to you and being ready to accept the change will make it so much easier to bear.
In love and light.
Wednesday 2 February 2011
Day2 Month2 - Ego-tism
Yesterday I spoke to my darling sister, she sounds so well and she is growing expenentially within her spirit. She always has something to tell me that is exciting and although we have some new age ideas, they are all based on God. For me it's the belief that we are all created in the image of our creator and therefore we are able to "create" as our creator did. This is most predominant in our ability to procreate. Scientists have yet to decipher or find that initial "spark" to life. They have been able to decode our DNA and they can put an egg and a sperm together but they can't say WHY life happens.
I attribute this to our being creators. The only reason we cannot manifest all the things we want is because we have also all been created with an ego, this is the part of ourselves which tells us we are not worthy to receive all the things we want. Everytime we have been hurt, the ego has taken over and caused us to build defences. These defences are built purely for the defence of the ego. The sad thing is that we have inherited our parents and their parents (and theirs and theirs and theirs etc etc) defences, these have taken us further and further away from our ability to create, this power is now hidden deep within our subconscious.
I challenge you today to meditate, quiet your mind and see how long it takes before that little voice pops up and says, the ironing basket is full. Eastenders is on the telly. Did I turn off the oven, or any one of a hundred thousand different things. I challenge you to quiet your mind, keep the ego at bay for as long as possible and if you can do that, you will reconnect with the creator within you. Who knows you may actually hear the voice of the original creator, or an answer to a question you've been worrying over.
Let me tell you that for all my talk, the longest I have been able to quiet my mind is 7 minutes. No wonder Enoch disappeared for years at a time. No wonder Moses was gone so long when he went to get the ten commandments. Enoch became and Archangel (one of only 2 humans to achieve this status) and Moses is entrenched into the best selling book of all time. So I ask you today, what might you achieve if you can keep you ego away for even for a small time. Let me tell you if nothing else, after that 7 minutes I felt rested and exillerated. Then people wonder why I want some ME time.
In love and light.
I attribute this to our being creators. The only reason we cannot manifest all the things we want is because we have also all been created with an ego, this is the part of ourselves which tells us we are not worthy to receive all the things we want. Everytime we have been hurt, the ego has taken over and caused us to build defences. These defences are built purely for the defence of the ego. The sad thing is that we have inherited our parents and their parents (and theirs and theirs and theirs etc etc) defences, these have taken us further and further away from our ability to create, this power is now hidden deep within our subconscious.
I challenge you today to meditate, quiet your mind and see how long it takes before that little voice pops up and says, the ironing basket is full. Eastenders is on the telly. Did I turn off the oven, or any one of a hundred thousand different things. I challenge you to quiet your mind, keep the ego at bay for as long as possible and if you can do that, you will reconnect with the creator within you. Who knows you may actually hear the voice of the original creator, or an answer to a question you've been worrying over.
Let me tell you that for all my talk, the longest I have been able to quiet my mind is 7 minutes. No wonder Enoch disappeared for years at a time. No wonder Moses was gone so long when he went to get the ten commandments. Enoch became and Archangel (one of only 2 humans to achieve this status) and Moses is entrenched into the best selling book of all time. So I ask you today, what might you achieve if you can keep you ego away for even for a small time. Let me tell you if nothing else, after that 7 minutes I felt rested and exillerated. Then people wonder why I want some ME time.
In love and light.
Monday 31 January 2011
Day31 - Smoke on the water...
Well it's Monday again and it's already almost over, where does the time go? Anyway I had my first official guitar lesson with K today. Yesterday K wanted to quit and I was quite upset about that. I did guitar when I was younger but no-one ever pushed me to finish anything, so I decided I would have lessons with K and he would practice. The last two weeks we managed to practise once and that was like trying to move an ass that has decided it just doesn't want to go anywhere.
But this evening the lesson went so well and it appealed to the performer in my son and he had a marvelous time upstaging me, I had fun too because in case you don't know already I am rather competitive by nature. The difference between K and I is that I no longer get frustrated when I loose. This is a huge lesson he has to learn. My hope though is that he will learn that you can't just give up when all you need is a little committment and hard work. I had for many years (and probably still do) have a habit of not finishing anything I start. I do not want my son to create for himself a habit of quitting when times get tough. I want him to be the type of character that people know they can rely on.
I know that as a parent I am particularly tough on both my children, yet both are performing at the top of their grades. C is so determined in what ever she does, ballet, tap dancing, she works much harder at all her school work and even though she is only 6 she has never once told me she CAN'T. She will give it a go with all her heart and soul. This doesn't mean that she doesn't have the odd strop every now and then but not half as many as K. I am a very proud mother and my children know that both Rob and I are there for them, but I would ideally like my children growing up with a sense of conviction and honour. Rob shows conviction and honour in everything he does and commits himself to. I have been on a journey the last 7 years, a journey that has taught me that I have huge chips on my shoulders and these are being systematically removed - I hope- but I will hopefully not allow these chips to build on the shoulders of my children. I will teach them the importance of the truth and respect in everything they do and hopefully they will never have to look in the mirror and not like what they see.
In love and light
But this evening the lesson went so well and it appealed to the performer in my son and he had a marvelous time upstaging me, I had fun too because in case you don't know already I am rather competitive by nature. The difference between K and I is that I no longer get frustrated when I loose. This is a huge lesson he has to learn. My hope though is that he will learn that you can't just give up when all you need is a little committment and hard work. I had for many years (and probably still do) have a habit of not finishing anything I start. I do not want my son to create for himself a habit of quitting when times get tough. I want him to be the type of character that people know they can rely on.
I know that as a parent I am particularly tough on both my children, yet both are performing at the top of their grades. C is so determined in what ever she does, ballet, tap dancing, she works much harder at all her school work and even though she is only 6 she has never once told me she CAN'T. She will give it a go with all her heart and soul. This doesn't mean that she doesn't have the odd strop every now and then but not half as many as K. I am a very proud mother and my children know that both Rob and I are there for them, but I would ideally like my children growing up with a sense of conviction and honour. Rob shows conviction and honour in everything he does and commits himself to. I have been on a journey the last 7 years, a journey that has taught me that I have huge chips on my shoulders and these are being systematically removed - I hope- but I will hopefully not allow these chips to build on the shoulders of my children. I will teach them the importance of the truth and respect in everything they do and hopefully they will never have to look in the mirror and not like what they see.
In love and light
Saturday 29 January 2011
Day 29 - Cold and colder
Yesterday I decided that I would take on a little creative project, our kitchen table is in a horrible state and I thought I might make it something to do during half term, so we took a drive to B&Q today and looked at some tiles, yes I thought I'd tile the kitchen table. Not so strange an idea, easy to clean and looks good etc. However noone prepared me for the weight of the tiles. Rob decided in his infinate wisdom that we'd be adding huge weight to a table we'd have to dismantle to get out of the kitchen (to do said project) and then rebuild the table when I was done. Anyway I have subsequently changed my mind, my project will be simply to re-upholster the chairs, this he knows I can and have done before, guess he might be afraid I'd never finish and then we'd have pieces of table and tiles lying all over. Too bad I'll have to find another outlet for my creativity. Could write I guess, will need to go through everything I've written down on paper for the last 3 years to see if there is one topic sufficiently stimulating to keep me busy.
In love and light
In love and light
Friday 28 January 2011
Day 28 - Up, up and away....
Been gone a while, because I've had nothing much to say but hell do I have something to share today.
My whole life I have let my weight hold me back. "Oh no I can't do that people will laugh at me." I can't do that" and so I have let alot of really cool things pass me by. Using my weight as an excuse and worrying too much about what other people will think.
Well today at climbing I decided to stop hiding behind my weight, I put on a harness and I climbed.
I got about a metre off the ground and thought, I can't do this. Then I thought about the 9 and 10 year olds down there and what sort of role model would I'd be if I wimped out. So I moved my leg, moved my arm and soon I was just concentrating on where to put the next hand and the next foot and the all of a sudden there where no more, I had reached the top (about 20m), looking down I was petrified and the abseiling down the wall seemed much harder in comparison to the climb up the wall.
Once down visibly shaking but smiling from ear to ear, I knew that I had managed to fight through my fear, not my fear of climbing, so much as the fear I have of people's opinions of me. Today I went up, up and away and so did my confidence, I hope that my new found fearlessness will encourage my own children to work through and get passed their fears.
In love and light.
My whole life I have let my weight hold me back. "Oh no I can't do that people will laugh at me." I can't do that" and so I have let alot of really cool things pass me by. Using my weight as an excuse and worrying too much about what other people will think.
Well today at climbing I decided to stop hiding behind my weight, I put on a harness and I climbed.
I got about a metre off the ground and thought, I can't do this. Then I thought about the 9 and 10 year olds down there and what sort of role model would I'd be if I wimped out. So I moved my leg, moved my arm and soon I was just concentrating on where to put the next hand and the next foot and the all of a sudden there where no more, I had reached the top (about 20m), looking down I was petrified and the abseiling down the wall seemed much harder in comparison to the climb up the wall.
Once down visibly shaking but smiling from ear to ear, I knew that I had managed to fight through my fear, not my fear of climbing, so much as the fear I have of people's opinions of me. Today I went up, up and away and so did my confidence, I hope that my new found fearlessness will encourage my own children to work through and get passed their fears.
In love and light.
Tuesday 25 January 2011
Day 25 - Coming home
It's difficult sometimes to find something to say without sort of resorting to a long list of what we did step by step for the day, but I suppose whether we know it or not we are ultimately enlightened a little bit every day. The problem though is that we don't usually realise that we have to some degree been enlightened. I had very vibrant dreams last night, not scary but kind of trippy, I woke up even more tired then when I went to bed.
These dreams are my sub-concious trying to come to terms with something specific, and since they centred around our trip to SA, I suppose my psyche is trying to reconcile the fact that maybe, I won't want to come back. Second to loosing J this move has been horribly hard. I know Rob misses his friends, but his family is here, so he has absolutely no clue how I feel at leaving everyone I love and care for (outside of our foursome) 11000 miles away.
This leaves me with a huge problem, because Rob will never come back, and my children are essentially British, and small town British not cosmopolitan British. So all things considered I guess I'll be coming back..... home?
In love and light.
These dreams are my sub-concious trying to come to terms with something specific, and since they centred around our trip to SA, I suppose my psyche is trying to reconcile the fact that maybe, I won't want to come back. Second to loosing J this move has been horribly hard. I know Rob misses his friends, but his family is here, so he has absolutely no clue how I feel at leaving everyone I love and care for (outside of our foursome) 11000 miles away.
This leaves me with a huge problem, because Rob will never come back, and my children are essentially British, and small town British not cosmopolitan British. So all things considered I guess I'll be coming back..... home?
In love and light.
Monday 24 January 2011
Day 24 - Time and space
Isn't horrible how quickly the weekend goes and then Monday tends to drag and drag and drag.... Then once Monday is over the rest of the week flies by. I must admit that we are all to some extent wishing our lives away. I then always think about one of the first times Jonathan came to visit me, I was lying on the couch in the lounge in Cumberland Road, we had dark green curtains with yellow and red stripes, he came up to me and was playing hide and seek, he hid himself behind the curtain in the bay window. I remember crying because for him there is no time or space and he will stand there mere seconds before I pull back the curtain and grab him into my arms. BUT, I have to live the rest of my life (another 30/ 40 years) before I can pull back the curtains and hold him in my arms.
I know this is probably a little down beat today but there are times when I think of him more and today seems to be one of those days. You see I am not afraid to die. I'd be lying if I said I was not afraid of HOW I might die, but I am certain enough the death is only the beginning. I like to imagine death as the arrivals hall of a huge airport, where people are coming in from all over and the ones they love are all there waiting, mothers and their children are reunited. Lovers run into each others arms and sisters scream with delight at the sight of each other.
I will certainly be screaming with delight when my sister picks us up from Oliver Tambo in July, unfortunately in this life, she's also going to have to take me back. In death there is no going back and we are reunited forever.
In love and light.
I know this is probably a little down beat today but there are times when I think of him more and today seems to be one of those days. You see I am not afraid to die. I'd be lying if I said I was not afraid of HOW I might die, but I am certain enough the death is only the beginning. I like to imagine death as the arrivals hall of a huge airport, where people are coming in from all over and the ones they love are all there waiting, mothers and their children are reunited. Lovers run into each others arms and sisters scream with delight at the sight of each other.
I will certainly be screaming with delight when my sister picks us up from Oliver Tambo in July, unfortunately in this life, she's also going to have to take me back. In death there is no going back and we are reunited forever.
In love and light.
Saturday 22 January 2011
Day 22 - It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me
I wish! Just heard the song on the tv. Saturday, lazy Saturday palmed the kids off to the Panto with the church, Rob and I had a lovely breakfast at the corner pub and a walk around the town, window shopping for houses. Unfortunately if we want to buy a house this year, it looks like we'll get better value for money outside of Petersfield, by moving 5 miles down the road, we can get a three bedroom house for about £80000 less than what the cost is here. It's sad and although K has to transition to the junior school, which is conveniently over the road, C is doing really well where she is and I don't know that I'd want to move her for 1 year because then she has to move from the Infants.
Isn't it amazing how every decision we make is centered around our children, how different our lives would be if we had decided not to try again after Jon.... Not that I would change it and posting pictures of my babies onto fb today I know that I am eternally grateful for their unconditional love and affection. I guess all the sleepless nights and worrying will only get worse when they have bigger challenges in their own lives. All said and done we have to get our own home for the mini zoo my children are planning for when we are allowed pets.
In love and light.
Isn't it amazing how every decision we make is centered around our children, how different our lives would be if we had decided not to try again after Jon.... Not that I would change it and posting pictures of my babies onto fb today I know that I am eternally grateful for their unconditional love and affection. I guess all the sleepless nights and worrying will only get worse when they have bigger challenges in their own lives. All said and done we have to get our own home for the mini zoo my children are planning for when we are allowed pets.
In love and light.
Friday 21 January 2011
Day 21 - Another fine one.
Believe it or not when I went through at 7.00am this morning to wake C up, I opened the curtains and what I saw was merely a lighter shade of dark, but it made me feel fantastic because I now know that summer is on it's way, it's been a cold crisp day but the glimmer of light in the sky this morning let me know that our long dreary cold existance is coming to an end.
The sun has been out all day and even driving into school this morning which is beautifully located on the Southern Downs was fog free.
I then got to spend the day in Midhurst, first climbing (the children that is) and then singing in the BIG SING held at Midhurst Rother College. Sometimes my job is so great I don't ever feel like it's work, of course though there are always good and bad days and of course we are dealing with people, young people who are moody, have good days and bad just like I do. Then there are also a number of children dealing with so much more, young carers, parental drug/alcohol addiction, behaviour disorders, neglect and I could list lots lots more, but today was essentially another good day. However being home with my own two, who are more than happy to entertain themselves while I do this, is the best thing of all.
In love and light.
The sun has been out all day and even driving into school this morning which is beautifully located on the Southern Downs was fog free.
I then got to spend the day in Midhurst, first climbing (the children that is) and then singing in the BIG SING held at Midhurst Rother College. Sometimes my job is so great I don't ever feel like it's work, of course though there are always good and bad days and of course we are dealing with people, young people who are moody, have good days and bad just like I do. Then there are also a number of children dealing with so much more, young carers, parental drug/alcohol addiction, behaviour disorders, neglect and I could list lots lots more, but today was essentially another good day. However being home with my own two, who are more than happy to entertain themselves while I do this, is the best thing of all.
In love and light.
Thursday 20 January 2011
Day 20 - Back in the land of the living.
Good afternoon everyone, yes, I am back. The computer was on the fritz, literally, power cable frizzled and battery not charged. So I am back and with nothing major to report it's just good to have been able to do my scrabble and check my e-mails all 107 of them.
I just got to thinking how dependent we all are on technology today. It was like someone died in our house because none of us could use the computer, I must admit we've spoken more in the last few days then we normally do, but then we've also all fought more. It's a coin toss really, play happy families or play scrabble? personally I think we all need balance and if this last few days has taught me anything, it's that the scales in our house are greatly tipped in favour of technology rather than people. Perhaps I'll ensure the computer "dies" more regularly just so we don't loose our connection with each other.
In love and light.
I just got to thinking how dependent we all are on technology today. It was like someone died in our house because none of us could use the computer, I must admit we've spoken more in the last few days then we normally do, but then we've also all fought more. It's a coin toss really, play happy families or play scrabble? personally I think we all need balance and if this last few days has taught me anything, it's that the scales in our house are greatly tipped in favour of technology rather than people. Perhaps I'll ensure the computer "dies" more regularly just so we don't loose our connection with each other.
In love and light.
Sunday 16 January 2011
Day 16 - Let's have a drink.
Yesterday was a really good day, the kids had been invited to Robs cousin's birthday party, we decided it would be nice to see them, as it has been a while since we got together. The party consisted of trampolining and bouncy castling for an hour and then lunch. There were 16 children in total all aged between 5 and 7 and only two boys, they did however play the games and where are jumped out by the time the food was served. Oh did I mention we drove from Hampshire to Berkshire to attend a two hour party? No, well now I have.
The drive however was made very worthwhile by us going to a local pub and having a few drinks and some eats ourselves. However rewarding it was though I feel it was the company that made it extremely worthwhile. Robs cousin Wendy and her husband Gerard are fabulous and the conversation is funny and very "homegrown".
Wendy's sister Lara has recently moved back to NZ, while their brother lives in Aus in Brisbane. They survived the floods thanks to living on the 3rd floor of an apartment building. We were sad to hear that Wendy and her family are planning to move to Autralia. But it did make me realise that they are very close, they all moved to the UK to be near their mom, who passed away a few years ago, and now they are all migrating back together.
As much as I wish all my family could be together, it's good to know that we are very close in spirit and that no amount of space or time can really seperate us, although it would be bloody great to have a drink together in a pub somewhere in the middle of no-where every once in a while.
In love and light
The drive however was made very worthwhile by us going to a local pub and having a few drinks and some eats ourselves. However rewarding it was though I feel it was the company that made it extremely worthwhile. Robs cousin Wendy and her husband Gerard are fabulous and the conversation is funny and very "homegrown".
Wendy's sister Lara has recently moved back to NZ, while their brother lives in Aus in Brisbane. They survived the floods thanks to living on the 3rd floor of an apartment building. We were sad to hear that Wendy and her family are planning to move to Autralia. But it did make me realise that they are very close, they all moved to the UK to be near their mom, who passed away a few years ago, and now they are all migrating back together.
As much as I wish all my family could be together, it's good to know that we are very close in spirit and that no amount of space or time can really seperate us, although it would be bloody great to have a drink together in a pub somewhere in the middle of no-where every once in a while.
In love and light
Friday 14 January 2011
Day14 - Somehwere over the rainbow?
It's really great when you do something and then you get a compliment for just doing what you felt was a right thing to do. Take this blog, today I received a message from Alfred Q. Wood who happens to be a published writer, and my cousin, and he told me that I have a gift for writing. This is truely a fantistic compliment to receive from someone who has worked hard, followed his own dreams and achieved the goals he has set for himself. So thanks A because it means a heck of a lot to me that you enjoy my writing.
Now fully inspired to continue writing I am going to tell you what I did today, as a teaching assistant in a local school, I look after a young girl who has GAUCHERS disease, this is an enzyme defficiency which manifests in many physical limitations, like stiff limbs similar to cerebral palsy, the main problem however is that there are also serious visual problems not so much with the sight but with her ability to track either horizontally or vertically. This needless to say causes her to be unable to judge distance and her spacial awareness is as a result impaired.
Our class teacher has arranged for groups of children to go rock climbing, the girl in question, told me she did not want to go as she is afraid of heights, this was discussed with the class teacher who said that she has to at least try and today we went for our first rock climibing session.
Visibly afraid we harnessed her up and the instructor, ex army paratrooper, was not taking NO as an option, slowly we positioned her near the wall and instructed her where to put her feet and hands, needing us to lift her off the floor she slowly moved a little further up the wall, she then said she wanted to get down, well like I said no was not an option, the instructor climbed with her instructing her to move left hand here, right hand there and he used his own body (harness free) as foot hold for her, by her third time, she had managed half way up the wall, the instructor left her on her own so we could get a picture without him in it. I have never been so inspired or proud in my whole life as at that moment with the child holding on to a wall and facing all her fears despite her physical limitations. Talk about somewhere over the rainbow!
It just made me think how much we actually take for granted, as able bodied people, I know that I bitch and moan constantly and yet I have the use of my arms and legs. I bitch and moan and yet I have all my senses, I bitch and moan and yet my children are healthy and well and have full use of their bodies.
New idea - stop fucking complaining!! and just get on with it.
In love and light
Now fully inspired to continue writing I am going to tell you what I did today, as a teaching assistant in a local school, I look after a young girl who has GAUCHERS disease, this is an enzyme defficiency which manifests in many physical limitations, like stiff limbs similar to cerebral palsy, the main problem however is that there are also serious visual problems not so much with the sight but with her ability to track either horizontally or vertically. This needless to say causes her to be unable to judge distance and her spacial awareness is as a result impaired.
Our class teacher has arranged for groups of children to go rock climbing, the girl in question, told me she did not want to go as she is afraid of heights, this was discussed with the class teacher who said that she has to at least try and today we went for our first rock climibing session.
Visibly afraid we harnessed her up and the instructor, ex army paratrooper, was not taking NO as an option, slowly we positioned her near the wall and instructed her where to put her feet and hands, needing us to lift her off the floor she slowly moved a little further up the wall, she then said she wanted to get down, well like I said no was not an option, the instructor climbed with her instructing her to move left hand here, right hand there and he used his own body (harness free) as foot hold for her, by her third time, she had managed half way up the wall, the instructor left her on her own so we could get a picture without him in it. I have never been so inspired or proud in my whole life as at that moment with the child holding on to a wall and facing all her fears despite her physical limitations. Talk about somewhere over the rainbow!
It just made me think how much we actually take for granted, as able bodied people, I know that I bitch and moan constantly and yet I have the use of my arms and legs. I bitch and moan and yet I have all my senses, I bitch and moan and yet my children are healthy and well and have full use of their bodies.
New idea - stop fucking complaining!! and just get on with it.
In love and light
Thursday 13 January 2011
Day 13 - Home is where the heart is
Today has actually been a really good day, K has gone off to a friends house and C has a friend over here it has been bliss - 2 little girls, dressing up like princesses and having a tea party on a blanket in the lounge. I have to keep looking in to see if they are still there when normally I have to shout above the shouting of both K and C who never see eye to about anything.
I wonder how the other mother is getting on with 2 very boistrous boys? Anyway today that's her problem and not mine :).
I am looking forward to getting into bed today though only because it's cold and bloody raining again.
I keep thinking about braaivleis, rugby, sunny skies and chevrolet it was an ad about 100 years ago well it's too wet for braaivleis, I'm sure there's some rugby on somewhere, sunny skies seems to be a daydream and here chevrolet which is now called opel in SA is called vauxhall. I guess it's the silly things that awaken memories for us, cos I can remember playing and singing that song in the pool at Rencha and Roslyns house when we were kids in Cumberland road. Which then reminds me of our house in Cumberland Road into which my babies were born, and so the memories flood back. I miss my home. It's not supposed to be home any more but as some great person said, home is where the heart is and my heart will always be with those I love and since the bulk of the people I love are still in SA, when analysed I am very blessed because I will always have 2 homes, SA with mom, dad, Lolly and her beautiful girls and the UK with Rob, K and C.
GUESS I MIGHT JUST NEED A HUG!!
In love and light
I wonder how the other mother is getting on with 2 very boistrous boys? Anyway today that's her problem and not mine :).
I am looking forward to getting into bed today though only because it's cold and bloody raining again.
I keep thinking about braaivleis, rugby, sunny skies and chevrolet it was an ad about 100 years ago well it's too wet for braaivleis, I'm sure there's some rugby on somewhere, sunny skies seems to be a daydream and here chevrolet which is now called opel in SA is called vauxhall. I guess it's the silly things that awaken memories for us, cos I can remember playing and singing that song in the pool at Rencha and Roslyns house when we were kids in Cumberland road. Which then reminds me of our house in Cumberland Road into which my babies were born, and so the memories flood back. I miss my home. It's not supposed to be home any more but as some great person said, home is where the heart is and my heart will always be with those I love and since the bulk of the people I love are still in SA, when analysed I am very blessed because I will always have 2 homes, SA with mom, dad, Lolly and her beautiful girls and the UK with Rob, K and C.
GUESS I MIGHT JUST NEED A HUG!!
In love and light
Wednesday 12 January 2011
Day 12 - another one bites the dust.
I never did open that bottle of Margaritas it's a shame really, sometimes I feel like having a drink and then I change my mind, heck I'm moody enough as it is without adding alcohol to the mix.. I guess I don't drink because I know I have an addictive trait, and don't want to get addicted to alcohol/ drugs because they don't just mess with your life, but the lives of the people around you.
So here I am, the kids are asleep and I am indulging my current addiction - scrabble on fb. Don't do too badly but hate it when you have only played e.g. 350 games and have a 45% win rate and some fucker with 4785 games and 93% win rate wants to play you, come on be a little fair for goodness sake.
So I am relaxing and I've had my rant for the day. There's nothing quite like killing two birds with 1 stone.
In love and light
So here I am, the kids are asleep and I am indulging my current addiction - scrabble on fb. Don't do too badly but hate it when you have only played e.g. 350 games and have a 45% win rate and some fucker with 4785 games and 93% win rate wants to play you, come on be a little fair for goodness sake.
So I am relaxing and I've had my rant for the day. There's nothing quite like killing two birds with 1 stone.
In love and light
Tuesday 11 January 2011
Day 11 - And the beat goes on.
Ok, so the weekend is long ago over and yesterday was a nightmare, K was running a temperature of over 39 degrees and complaining of a sore throat, and of course I had not slept well as I had been banished to the kids room, so at 7am yesterday I was trying to arrange for granny to look after K and with such short notice, I thought it'll be ok to drop off C at school and be 10 minutes late for work. Yes? NO, flipping icy roads had caused absolute chaos and the only road I know to get to my work was CLOSED. Roaming through the country side with my sat nav telling me to MAKE A U-TURN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, I arrived at work at 9.20am. Grumpy, tired and very annoyed.
So yesterday afternoon I assumed K would still not be well enought to go to school and pre-arranged for the worst, called a friend to see if she could walk C to school, granny was more than happy to have K with her, so this morning ran very smoothly. It's amazing the difference that a little planning can make to the smooth flow of your day.
C was collected from school and walked home by the same friend, I had an appointment with the nurse C came with me and I collected K after the nurse, so we are home, I am not cooking as we have left overs in the fridge and are having IF ITS. just waiting for my hubby to let me know what train he is on and then I think I might open my bottle of Margaritas (pre mixed) and have a drink and relax.
In love and light
So yesterday afternoon I assumed K would still not be well enought to go to school and pre-arranged for the worst, called a friend to see if she could walk C to school, granny was more than happy to have K with her, so this morning ran very smoothly. It's amazing the difference that a little planning can make to the smooth flow of your day.
C was collected from school and walked home by the same friend, I had an appointment with the nurse C came with me and I collected K after the nurse, so we are home, I am not cooking as we have left overs in the fridge and are having IF ITS. just waiting for my hubby to let me know what train he is on and then I think I might open my bottle of Margaritas (pre mixed) and have a drink and relax.
In love and light
Saturday 8 January 2011
Day 8 - Rain held off for a walk and a picnic
It's a Saturday, I wish I could say that it was a bright and sun shiney Saturday but alas only a few rays of sun have penetrated the dark low clouds, these dark low clouds have been here all week but AT LEAST the rain has held off enough for us to head up to The Devil's Punchbowl for a walk.
The walk was wet and soggy and the few rays of sun that did appear did not manage to heat things up so it was NILLY AND CHIPPY. For anyone who knows me very well, they know that I mean VERY chilly and nippy. Let's just say that I was more than happy for my hat and scarf.
The ground was soggy and while the kids thoroughly enjoyed being Peppa and George and splashing in muddy puddles for me (who cannot find wellies to go over my enormous calves) the ground provided many slippery, potentially dangerous steps.
Having said that we built up our already healthy appetites and sat in the car, out of the wind, and had our picnic. Subsequently we have headed home and are enjoying the warmth and the telly. Here's to the week-end.
In love and light.
The walk was wet and soggy and the few rays of sun that did appear did not manage to heat things up so it was NILLY AND CHIPPY. For anyone who knows me very well, they know that I mean VERY chilly and nippy. Let's just say that I was more than happy for my hat and scarf.
The ground was soggy and while the kids thoroughly enjoyed being Peppa and George and splashing in muddy puddles for me (who cannot find wellies to go over my enormous calves) the ground provided many slippery, potentially dangerous steps.
Having said that we built up our already healthy appetites and sat in the car, out of the wind, and had our picnic. Subsequently we have headed home and are enjoying the warmth and the telly. Here's to the week-end.
In love and light.
Friday 7 January 2011
Day 7 - TGIF
It's Friday, the first of the new year. I am just thinking about how many more Fridays we'll have and be grateful for. The first two days of school are done and dusted, so it's safe to say that all things are back to normal.
In assembly this week the Head requested each child to make a resolution, albeit a scholastic one and I do not usually make resolutions but it did get me thinking about goals. What goals would I like to achieve this year?
I want to go back to SA for a visit with my family. Words could never express how much I miss them all.
I want to get on the property ladder, I want K to stop sleeping in our bed. I want to get a permanent job and settle down.
Gosh there seems to be quite a few things I want, but let me begin by being grateful for what I have. My senses, hearing, seeing, touching smelling, tasting, and that extrasensory one. A family (those near by and far away), a home, a car, a job, food to eat, heating in the cold weather, clothes to wear. I could go on and on but the one I must remember is my hot morning shower and a tooth brush.
Let's face it in the immortal words of Fred Flintstone "it just doesn't get any better than this!"
In love and light
In assembly this week the Head requested each child to make a resolution, albeit a scholastic one and I do not usually make resolutions but it did get me thinking about goals. What goals would I like to achieve this year?
I want to go back to SA for a visit with my family. Words could never express how much I miss them all.
I want to get on the property ladder, I want K to stop sleeping in our bed. I want to get a permanent job and settle down.
Gosh there seems to be quite a few things I want, but let me begin by being grateful for what I have. My senses, hearing, seeing, touching smelling, tasting, and that extrasensory one. A family (those near by and far away), a home, a car, a job, food to eat, heating in the cold weather, clothes to wear. I could go on and on but the one I must remember is my hot morning shower and a tooth brush.
Let's face it in the immortal words of Fred Flintstone "it just doesn't get any better than this!"
In love and light
Thursday 6 January 2011
Day 6 - Glad to be back home
It's horrible to say but really I am not in the mood to try and be profound, the school day is over and the first day back is out of the way. There are a few things I need to take care of and that means a bit of a run around. The only good thing about today is that I can collect 33 pairs of contact lenses from a fellow freecycler. in my prescription. So the law of attraction does work because I have not been able to afford contact lenses but really hate to wear my glasses, so roll on the universe, first the little things start happening and then the BIIG things start happening so whoop whoop let's see what comes.
In love and light
In love and light
Wednesday 5 January 2011
Day 5 - A day all to myself
It's just past 1pm on Wednesday 5th, gosh it has been great. This morning's routine and getting the kids back to school was smooth and we walked to school at a leisurely pace. I saw them off. Caught up with a lot of the mums I hardly ever see because I don't do the drop offs and pick ups. Went to do a bit of shopping and had coffee with my friend Jo. It was great there has been no rush, no stress - gee I could get used to this.
But I am going to meet another friend at a coffee shop for a quick catch up and then get the kids from school.
Oh I am going to start having guitar lessons, it is in an effort to get Kieran practicing, so new skills on the horizon. I have visions of K and I playing around a camp fire on a beach somewhere, hey so we all dream and you know I dream BIG.
In love and light
But I am going to meet another friend at a coffee shop for a quick catch up and then get the kids from school.
Oh I am going to start having guitar lessons, it is in an effort to get Kieran practicing, so new skills on the horizon. I have visions of K and I playing around a camp fire on a beach somewhere, hey so we all dream and you know I dream BIG.
In love and light
Tuesday 4 January 2011
Day4 - Getting back to normal whatever than is
I missed Day 3, no biggie because I'm not sweating the small stuff. Today is the final day of holidays before the kids go back to school tomorrow, I go back to school on Thursday and after being with my children for almost 3 solid weeks 24/7, I can honestly say that I need a break roll on tomorrow 5 hours all to myself, what am I going to do with myself? I have made sure that there is NO housework to do it's my day off.
Sometimes I think it's harder being at home all the time then going off to work. Okay so I work with children, but at least I can leave them at the classroom door and walk away. It's a little bit harder to walk away from your own children, not that I would walk away but hey an hour or two to myself sometimes would sure be NICE.
So anyway we are back to the normal routine of getting up, getting ready, going to school and then the run around for extra curricular activities. In our house these include ballet lessons, tap dancing lessons, beavers, guitar lessons and rainbows. On top of washing, iron, cleaning, cooking and thank you Lord that I have a dishwasher, because there always seems to be dirty cup, glass or plate have you noticed that?
Here's to normality.
Sometimes I think it's harder being at home all the time then going off to work. Okay so I work with children, but at least I can leave them at the classroom door and walk away. It's a little bit harder to walk away from your own children, not that I would walk away but hey an hour or two to myself sometimes would sure be NICE.
So anyway we are back to the normal routine of getting up, getting ready, going to school and then the run around for extra curricular activities. In our house these include ballet lessons, tap dancing lessons, beavers, guitar lessons and rainbows. On top of washing, iron, cleaning, cooking and thank you Lord that I have a dishwasher, because there always seems to be dirty cup, glass or plate have you noticed that?
Here's to normality.
Sunday 2 January 2011
Day 2
Well Day 2 of the year 2011 has come and almost gone. I have been asked by my sister to write some self help articles for her church newsletter. It is new age, and I hope you will enjoy.
Focus
The law of attraction is something we have all heard of but very few of us can believe that we have the power to manifest our deepest desires.
There are several reasons for this.
1. We do not believe that we are created in the image of our creator.
2. We do not believe in the law of attraction and therefore everything is preordained or destined.
3. We do not believe that we are worthy of all the good things we would like.
Let me start by discussing number 1. I believe that we have been created in the image of our creator, and our creator whoever or whatever you may believe has brought us into being by a single thought. A natural conclusion must then be that we have the power of the creator within us and we can therefore "create" using our thoughts.
2. I DO NOT believe that our path in this life is predestined, some people do, however I feel it must be stressed that our current life path is the result of our choices, whether conscious or unconscious we are where we are right now because of a series of choices we have made. These choices have relyed on thoughts.
3. We are all raised and nurtured by our parents and by extention our environment, along with hopefully lots of positive reinforcement, there are always also the negative reinforcements the things we are told, money doesn't grow on trees, the rich get richer etc. These negative reinforcements teach us that we are unworthy of having all the things we want. We believe and our thoughts have been programmed to believe that we have to work hard, struggle to make ends meet and essentially forgo all the things we really want because, we either can't afford them or we are not worthy of possessing these things.
If any of this sounds familiar to you it should, these are not new arguments but the key to believing in the power of our thoughts comes with focus. We need to concentrate on the things we want. Focus on the things we have and be grateful for them and re-programme our thought patterns so that we believe that we ARE worthy of all the things we want.
This focus needs to extend to all areas of your life, you need to focus on the things you say (especially in front of your children) keep things positive, you need to focus on maintaining a good attitude, because let's face it, the idiot who cut you off on the highway this morning doesn't know or care that he's ruined your day so don't let him. Keep the focus on exactly what it is you want. Write a list and read it in the morning when you brush your teeth, keep a copy under your pillow and read it just before you go to bed. Be specific, e.g. I want my own home. NO TO VAGUE, I want to own my own home on an acre of perfectly manicured lawn with a kidney shaped pool. The braai area must be made of black slate and convert into a spit. The home itself is to be beautifully presented over 2 floors with 5 bedrooms, 3 on-suite bathrooms. the lower level must have a kitchen with an 8 gas ring burner, all the appliances should be custom fitted. See the difference? Which is easier to picture? Which home would you rather have?
FOCUS on the things you want, give no attention at all to the things you don't want, yes the bills come, the traffic's horrific, but don't wallow in the misery of them, don't give them the focus they crave, acknowledge them yes, because it is those things that keep us motivated to be rid of them, sit in traffic with a smile on your face, it does not matter if it's a real smile or if you look absolutely daft, one day that smile will be real and you won't be sitting in traffic you'll be cruising along the coast in your cherry red BMW convertable on your way to your holiday home in Plett.
I believe it, can you?
In love and light
Tracey Brown
Focus
The law of attraction is something we have all heard of but very few of us can believe that we have the power to manifest our deepest desires.
There are several reasons for this.
1. We do not believe that we are created in the image of our creator.
2. We do not believe in the law of attraction and therefore everything is preordained or destined.
3. We do not believe that we are worthy of all the good things we would like.
Let me start by discussing number 1. I believe that we have been created in the image of our creator, and our creator whoever or whatever you may believe has brought us into being by a single thought. A natural conclusion must then be that we have the power of the creator within us and we can therefore "create" using our thoughts.
2. I DO NOT believe that our path in this life is predestined, some people do, however I feel it must be stressed that our current life path is the result of our choices, whether conscious or unconscious we are where we are right now because of a series of choices we have made. These choices have relyed on thoughts.
3. We are all raised and nurtured by our parents and by extention our environment, along with hopefully lots of positive reinforcement, there are always also the negative reinforcements the things we are told, money doesn't grow on trees, the rich get richer etc. These negative reinforcements teach us that we are unworthy of having all the things we want. We believe and our thoughts have been programmed to believe that we have to work hard, struggle to make ends meet and essentially forgo all the things we really want because, we either can't afford them or we are not worthy of possessing these things.
If any of this sounds familiar to you it should, these are not new arguments but the key to believing in the power of our thoughts comes with focus. We need to concentrate on the things we want. Focus on the things we have and be grateful for them and re-programme our thought patterns so that we believe that we ARE worthy of all the things we want.
This focus needs to extend to all areas of your life, you need to focus on the things you say (especially in front of your children) keep things positive, you need to focus on maintaining a good attitude, because let's face it, the idiot who cut you off on the highway this morning doesn't know or care that he's ruined your day so don't let him. Keep the focus on exactly what it is you want. Write a list and read it in the morning when you brush your teeth, keep a copy under your pillow and read it just before you go to bed. Be specific, e.g. I want my own home. NO TO VAGUE, I want to own my own home on an acre of perfectly manicured lawn with a kidney shaped pool. The braai area must be made of black slate and convert into a spit. The home itself is to be beautifully presented over 2 floors with 5 bedrooms, 3 on-suite bathrooms. the lower level must have a kitchen with an 8 gas ring burner, all the appliances should be custom fitted. See the difference? Which is easier to picture? Which home would you rather have?
FOCUS on the things you want, give no attention at all to the things you don't want, yes the bills come, the traffic's horrific, but don't wallow in the misery of them, don't give them the focus they crave, acknowledge them yes, because it is those things that keep us motivated to be rid of them, sit in traffic with a smile on your face, it does not matter if it's a real smile or if you look absolutely daft, one day that smile will be real and you won't be sitting in traffic you'll be cruising along the coast in your cherry red BMW convertable on your way to your holiday home in Plett.
I believe it, can you?
In love and light
Tracey Brown
Saturday 1 January 2011
Day1
So, day 1 of 2011 already almost over, a wonderfully mild day considering the weather of late, a lie in and a good hot bath, what better way to round off a day then with good friends, good food and a good movie?
Relaxing now and I am going to endeavour to write something down each day of 2011. My only regret for the day is that I did not phone my family in SA. But my sister always knows that no news is good news and we are linked sub-consciously so she'd know if I did not call because of something wrong.
This year I refuse to be bogged down by "the small stuff", this has been a quote that I saw in a movie once, can't remember the movie but a big native american guy tells another guy not to sweat the small stuff and then he adds on a laugh the everything is small stuff.
So this year I am not sweating the small stuff and treating everything as small stuff, join me why don't you.
Relaxing now and I am going to endeavour to write something down each day of 2011. My only regret for the day is that I did not phone my family in SA. But my sister always knows that no news is good news and we are linked sub-consciously so she'd know if I did not call because of something wrong.
This year I refuse to be bogged down by "the small stuff", this has been a quote that I saw in a movie once, can't remember the movie but a big native american guy tells another guy not to sweat the small stuff and then he adds on a laugh the everything is small stuff.
So this year I am not sweating the small stuff and treating everything as small stuff, join me why don't you.
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