This last week has seen me pick up a pen for the first time in ages. I always thought it was easier to write when I was not "in a happy place", this is definitely not true. Since that awful Sunday night in early November when I learned that my mom had passed away it has been extremely difficult to put thoughts and my feelings of loss into writing. Of course this was compounded exponentially when a short seven months later my Dad decided a world without my mom to care for was just not worth living.
Last week and this week I have been fortunate enough to be on school holidays while recuperating from an operation. My amazing husband has endeavored to keep the house tidy, entertain the children and keep us fed. He has done a superb job and in a need to escape from "cabin fever" I have joined my family on not one but two trips to the beach. A last minute decision saw me grab my notebook and pen. I would like to share those entries with you.
August 12, 2015
I've not written much lately but then again it's been tough. November saw the loss of my mom after being so ill for so long. Having said that she'd managed to keep going and so inevitably we became complacent thinking she would just continue to keep going on and going on. Then we all completely underestimated how much losing mom affected dad. It was hard so very hard for us to comprehend exactly how much he loved her while she was alive. and then how much he missed her after she'd gone. In June just seven short months after mom, dad suffered a massive heart attack, even then I could not bring myself to believe he would leave us. Unfortunately he did. I have brought some of his ashes back to the UK because that's what he wanted and I will scatter them into the ocean so he can explore wherever he wants.
I have been truly blessed to have the parents I had. We would shout and scream and fight and swear but any family who tells you they don't is lying. We were completely dysfunctional, but there is no normal. I often think I sound like my mom when screaming at Kiki and Shiny but you know what? Like me my children will learn about being independent and taking responsibility for their actions and even they may sometimes hate me or want to run away, I know that if not before but when I am gone they will appreciate how much I had done for them, how hard I would fight for them and how much I love them.
I regret not telling my parents "thank you" and " I love you" every single day. I am sure my siblings feel the same.
August 18, 2015
Another cloudy day here at the Witterings, it's actually quite chilly but it's lovely getting out of the house. Rob has taken the kids onto the beach, they are swimming now I believe. I wish we could afford for Rob to work part time, it would be great to have him home more. No going away for us this summer, but we are very blessed to be away for Christmas (a long weekend in Shropshire) and of course our second visit to Florida in April.
I have been thinking so much about Mom and Dad, it's so hard to think I have to wait the rest of life before seeing them again but I do believe that they will be there for me when it's my time, and so of course will my Jonathan and everyone else who has meant something to me.
Being here after my operation just shows me how lucky I am to be married to Rob, he made sure I could rest and I have been treated like a queen, so much more that I deserve . Jo has been my only visitor though and I know I am blessed to have her in my life. This time however has also brought home just how isolated we are and how much family really mean. It would have been nice to have Lolly, Jaime and the girls pop in or Katrini bringing me a cup of tea and moaning that I should be in bed. But this decision was made by both of us as a team and we know that what we have done is the best thing if not for us, then for our children. I still hang onto the hope that one day my family will want to visit me here, so I can show them all the wonderful places they've seen in the films and I still wait patiently for my darling sister to come over so she and I can do our "Bridget Jones" walk over Tower Bridge.
It's all a little random I guess, but getting back into this writing thing will probably take a little time.
If I have not bored you to death, thanks for getting to the end and if I have bored you to death then maybe you'll be waiting with Mom, Dad and Jonathan when my time in this realm ends.
In Love and Light
Tracey
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